Imoteda

Bonus End of Year Post!!! Be appreciative. LOL

2011-12-30T21:54:00.000-08:00

Alright so it's officially the last day of 2011 and I'm spending my night cleaning my home coz I've decided to up and move back to Nigeria. I also decided this less than a month ago and I plan to move next week. Yea I'm impulsive like that. I'm pretty excited about this move though so...

I'm not doing any new year's resolutions. It's cliche, it's boring, all resolutions are predictable and rarely last past jan 29th (coincidentally my brother's birthday).

But I have decided that in life I will STOP WAITING! I've been waiting for something to happen for such a long time; waited to be done school, waited to get a good job, waited to save enough money to move back home ... blah blah blah. Abeg jare I have waited enough. My new motto FORWARD EVER, STAGNANT NEVER!. (totally stole that from my Jos Man O War camp experience..lol)

Anyways... I will share some random things I learnt this year. They mostly concern myself and relationships with men and women.

1) Sometimes what society tells you to want and what you want are completely different but you can't always tell. Didn't blog about my date with some american dude in September because I figured he may eventually read it but I went on this date and it had some good but mostly bad and it made me realize that at that point I didn't really want to be in any sort of relationship but I felt like I should be because looking for a husband and settling down is what is expected of a single mom. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be by myself for a little bit even though I didn't realize this then. And so psycho Imoteda entered the scene and I literally did all I could to drive him away. It worked. I'm not sad that it did but if I had realized why I had been doing what I was doing there would be one less man who thinks I'm crazy in the world. lol. But I guess it was just as well that I didn't realize it then. I'm not the nicest person when I'm completely uninterested in you. Just ask the producer of my failed radio show. lol

2) Speaking of that I embarked on YET ANOTHER journey into celibacy. It's actually funny how that evolved. The producer asked me to "fuck this girl out of my mind." Yes he wanted me to have sex with him so he could forget about his ex. Told him I wasn't anyone's rebound and that didn't work so I told him that I had decided to avoid sex for six months. lol. Don't ask me why I didn't just say no o! Anyways after telling him that I decided that as much as I enjoy sex I really didn't have much interest in having it with just anybody and I figured if I was to meet someone and really try for a relationship (see previous realization for how this went) then I should probably take sex off the table. So I did. Luckily I hadn't done the horizontal tango for a minute before the decision so it was a little easier and I'm still going strong. At least for now,ask me how it's going when I'm in Nigeria surrounded by all those sexy dark chocolate men.

3)Sex is great (did I say great?? Mind blowingly amazing I meant) but it really isn't all that. And it really isn't worth a lot of the complications that come with it. Not saying that for everyone but for myself. I'm pretty sure I used to think I could have un-emotional sex but I lied to myself. If I let you in my honey box I am a little bit in love with you and if I wasn't before then I definitely will be after. So yea no wham bamming for you sweetheart (yes I just looked down as I typed that).

4) I would like a partner. I just don't want a relationship. Confusing? it is to me too. I know I definitely don't want a relationship but I want someone in my life. Best way to explain it is that I want my life to be a very cheesy romantic comedic. The type that stars Jennifer Aniston as the girl next door and Matthew Gray Gubler as her best friend/neighbour who's there for her all through her life supporting her and leaning on her for strength through thick and thin and then one day while they share a milkshake at McDonalds (or in my case at Chocolate Royale) they look into each other's eyes and realize that they've loved each other since "I just moved in across the street". I want to meet my future husband now and become great friends with him and in a year or two or three realize he's the one and live happily ever after. I didn't say it was realistic. It's just what I want.

5) And this is the last and most important to me. I realized that life will happen whether or not I participate so I might as well participate. I'm living and jumping in feet first. I'm gonna socialize, I'm gonna shamelessly promote myself professionally and screw feeling embarrassed about walking up to a woman and saying "Hi I'm Imoteda, professional make up artist, here's my card. Check out the website and don't forget to call me first for all your beauty needs" or something like that. I want to live my life. Not just wait for it to start living itself. Yes I'm a mother but I'm young, semi-beautiful (LOL) and I have a pretty awesome personality even if I do say so myself. It's about time I re-entered the world and let it suffer me a little bit.

So tomorrow is Jan 1st, 2012. God Willing I will be alive to meet it. 2012 will be awesome because I plan to make it so. What about you hombres?

*strawberry kisses and caviar dreams*

Imoteda

~See you in the FUTURE~

I cannot support gay clubs in Catholic Schools

2011-11-29T22:39:00.001-08:00

I got an email from a friend asking to me to help her out with something. She wanted to protest the ban of Gay-Straight Alliance clubs in Ontario Catholic Schools and she wanted my help in organizing and motivating since she knows I generally am all for standing for Human Rights. With this in mind she was quite shocked when I told her that I support her in all she does but I did not want to be involved. Wanting to avoid an argument I simply said I really wasn’t interested in participating. Never tell that to a woman studying women’s studies who’s extremely passionate about everything from her breakfast choices to the politics in Countries she’s never heard about. I got a phone call ten minutes later and spent a good hour trying to explain my point of view to her.

And my point of view is simply this; I do not believe that Catholic Schools should have any LGBTS clubs because in the Bible, homosexuality is a sin. It is as simple as that.

Now most people who know me really well know that I am a firm believer in Human Rights and the freedom of expression. I have friends, some close and some not so close, who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight. Before I wrote this I worried that I might offend some of my friends who might read. Then I found myself up at 1am and decided I might as well. Those who know me know me well enough to know that my intentions are good.

Lately I find myself thinking more and more that people are becoming extraordinarily narrow minded in their open-mindedness. Bear with me as I try and explain myself here. We believe so strongly in what we believe in that we cannot see why anyone else would not believe in the same. We are so determined not to be deprived of our rights as Human Beings that we begin to deprive others of their rights.

Returning to the issue of Gay clubs in Catholic schools.

(side note: There are numerous Bible verses I could quote in this article but this is simply an expression of my personal feeling s so I don’t feel the need to produce a bibliography, references and footnotes. All those with questions please see my mother Reverend. Titi Aladekomo. She knows)

Ahem

I grew up in a Christian household. We went to Church every Sunday. Held Bible study and prayers almost every night my father was home and prayed before every meal. For all that I am not a religious person today, I do know my religion thanks to my mother. I believe though I may not be a believer, if this makes sense. So I know that Homosexuality in Christianity is considered a sin. A sin that was so great that two towns were burnt down because of it (well and a whole host of other sins but it was one of them). There is no wording it, no working around it, Homosexuality is a sin to Christians. Now to require that a school that is founded in Christianity allow a club within its premises that caters to member of the community who have chosen to live a sinful lifestyle is an insult to all practicing Christians. Now I’m sure someone will get up and point out that Anglican churches have appointed gay priests and that years have gone by and things should be changed but I do not find those valid points when talking about Christianity. Thou shalt not kill is still as valid a commandment as it was ten years, a hundred years and four thousand years ago. And while the topic of homosexuality did not make it into the Ten Commandments, as far as Christianity goes, it is as much a sin as it was four thousand years ago. Something does not stop becoming a sin simply because society embraces it.

I do not as a Christian have to accept homosexuality as a way of life simply because the Government has legalized it and said it was okay.

Some people bring up the fact that Catholic Schools are publicly funded. When the “public” (hey I already said I wasn’t trying to sound smart) agreed to fund Catholic Schools they understood that they were agreeing to fund a school that was built upon a religion. You cannot ask for amendments to a belief system because you’re funding it.

Some people say “Well what about the new testament? Jesus washed away old sins and started anew.” To this I respond, “Jesus cleansed the prostitute of her seven demons and gave her life to start anew. He did not build her a brothel and find her clientele.”

One of my more homophobic friends once said to me, “I truly have nothing against gay dudes. I just wish they wouldn’t be so Gay all the time!” As ridiculous as this statement sounds, I actually understand his point. For a straight man growing up in a culture that places extreme emphasis on masculinity, it must have been uncomfortable for him moving Downtown Toronto and seeing men in heels, make up and short shorts. I love it, it makes him squirm, such is life. Not everyone can like everything. To date he hasn’t done anything that could be considered offensive to any member of the gay community. He just chooses to not spend too much time within it. That’s his choice.

But at what point does expressing oneself become an encroachment on the rights of others?

The sad shooting of Lawrence King, a student at the E.O. Green School California, also brings this question to mind. Lawrence was shot by a classmate Brandon who felt he was being harassed. I in no way whatsoever condone the shooting of another person regardless of your comfort or discomfort level but I found myself asking, “Couldn’t the school have prevented this?”

Lawrence was allowed to wear high heels, dresses and make up to school. The school code prevented students from wearing clothing that could be seen as distracting but the school’s assistant principal (who coincidentally was a lesbian) said that it was Lawrence’s right to express himself and as the policy was not against, heels, dresses or make up he was well within his rights to dress that way. I understand not wanting to discriminate against any gender but I do see how a boy dressed in dresses, heels and make up to school could be distracting to other 15 year old boys in the class. Lawrence would also make sexually suggestive comments to Brandon and a day or so before the shooting was apparently seen parading back and forth in front of him. When Brandon appeared visibly upset, the vice principal silently chastised him. Now let us pause here and flip the script.

Imagine Brandon was a girl and Lawrence a male in the school. Had a male made sexually suggestive comments to a female in his class and made her uncomfortable enough to report it, he would have gotten a stern talking to at the lightest or at worst been suspended for sexual harassment. But because Lawrence was a boy and an openly gay boy and Brandon was also a guy, the behavior was left unpunished. Correction, the victim was chastised.

No one, gay, straight or otherwise deserves to be made uncomfortable in his or her own space.

I was on the TTC in 2008, riding to school at 8am, and there was a couple in front of me making out very loudly and amorously (touching each other up right in front of my face). Seeing as I was sitting and they were standing I had a good view of the crotch grabbing going on. After about ten minutes of this, I spoke up and asked if they good please stop. It was not what I wanted to see first thing in the morning. It wasn’t till I looked up that I realized it was a lesbian couple. They both immediately attacked me saying that I was discriminating towards them because they were lesbians. I tried to explain that I wasn’t, I was sick and tired of hearing slurping. The conversation got quite heated and what blew my mind was that neither of them would accept that their PDA was excessive. They were so focused on their sexuality and my obvious lack of acceptance of their status as a lesbian couple. Like I GAF! What was interesting is that I was exhausted because I had spent the last three days at the Gay pride Parade painting rainbows on to little kids faces for free (and tiger and lions and bears and spiders and houses. Kids can be so inconsiderate when making requests.) Clearly I have a real issue with homosexuality.

These two were right up in my personal space, making me uncomfortable and depriving me of the right to have a hassle free, stress free, fish smell free ride to school in the morning. But it was their rights that were being violated when I asked them to stop.

We have to learn that in our attempts to make ourselves heard, we do not shut others up. I am all for gay rights in the State. I simply do not believe that any religion should be forced to go against its beliefs. Homosexuality is a sin in Christianity and for that reason I cannot ask the Catholic Church to make provisions for gay people.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil....

2011-09-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

...is for good men to do nothing (Edmund Burke)

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the youth of 2011. We have become a society of talkers. Name five youths who you know have taken a stand for anything in the past ten years. Who have tried to make waves and actually change society.

Okay name 3....

Fine then, 2.....

Alright can I get at least 1???

I sat here for a while, resisting the urge to google this, and realized that I truly and honestly cannot name a single person who has tried to fight the system. Oh I know several people who tweeted about Troy Davies. I know a lot who facebooked about Casey Anthony. I saw several tumblr posts dedicated to the poor American man who was beaten and then killed with a car but I do not know anyone who has actually done anything to try and make a difference.

In 2011 we are all a bunch of social media activists, chasing each new "flash in the sun" (as my father refers to them). With every issue of social injustice there is a wave of anger that lasts anywhere from 2 days to a month and then it's gone. Last week Troy Davies was trending everywhere. Today, nothing. We have lost the zeal that drove MLK to make his famous speech. We do not have the drive to sit at the front of the bus. The founding mothers of feminism will shake their heads about how much we scream of the desecration of the image of the black women in music videos then proceed to purchase/download albums by these same artists we tweeted about last night. I myself must confess that "No hands" stays playing on my computer whenever I feel down.

We are trend followers. We tweet about these things because we don't want to be left out of the loop. We are outraged because it is right to be outraged. But we do not feel any true passion for any of these causes which is why they fizzle out so quickly.

Troy Davies who?

We tattoo MLK on our bodies, wear dashikis and grow afros. We celebrate our blackness with "Black is beautiful" facebook statuses then watch Basketball Wives. We put up tumblr status and .jif pictures with things like "Respect womanhood" "It could be your mother daughter or sister" but then we pay money to watch the Lingerie Football League.

We are lost. And it is a damn shame. If MLK knew this was what he fought for I wonder if he would have fought so hard.

But then again....

Maybe he would have, because this is exactly what he fought for. For the right to choose what we want. We don't have to fight for freedom because we have it (mostly). We don't have to fight for the right to choose because despite the presence of implicit racism and even explicit racism we can still choose to ignore it and do as we wish. If people aren't suffering directly then what are they fighting. If you cannot see your common enemy then how do you unite to fight it?

Will I now become an activist? Probably not. Next week I will be back to blogging about hairstyles and cute guys in the check out line. But for now I care and will do all I can till I stop caring I suppose.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I will try not to add to evils triumph. Maybe my one action will slow it's progress just the teensy tiniest little bit.

But till then, I will try not to be a facebook, twitter, blogger,tumblr activist. I will not jump on each new trend.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Do something. No matter how little.

ABSU GAng Rape Victim

2011-09-25T23:31:00.000-07:00

Last week a shocking video started making rounds through the Nigerian blogosphere. A fellow blogger sent me an email that contained two videos and a short write up. Being typically me I skipped her words and went straight to the videos. I started from the shorter video, it was a clip about ten minutes long and the first words I heard as I started listening were “but am I not cooperating?” The video was grainy and not too clear but the scene before me was quite clear and easy to read. There was a girl and she was being raped. I watched exactly 33 seconds of the video before I realized this. In this shocking video, the full version of which is a little over an hour long, we see a girl being raped repeatedly by five different men in a dormitory style room. In the beginning of the video we hear her pleading with her captors to let her go and promising she will not tell anyone or make a fuss. Her captors laugh off her pleas and threaten to keep her captive and rape her for two days if she does not “cooperate” with them. We also gather that the rape is her punishment for allegedly insulting one of the five rapists. The rape was recorded and then passed around to their friends, to other students of the university until finally it made it’s way into the hands of Linda Ikeji who in outrage posted it on her blog asking for justice for this poor girl.

I was raped at 17. I have never actually come right out and said it before today to anyone but my closest friends and family but while watching that video, I felt something inside me break. The pain and shame I suffered at the hands of one man seemed to me at the time too unbearable to live with and two months later I tried to take my life. I was unable to watch the entire video because the entire time I kept multiplying what I went through by 5 and then trying to imagine the added humiliation of having an entire campus plus countless of nameless, faceless internet users watch my suffering and despair over and over and over again. I could not. I could only cry and so cry I did. And when I was done crying I realized that I had to do something for this girl that no one did for me. I had to stand up and let my voice be heard. I never reported my rape. In fact, it took me over a year to tell my parents what had prompted me to attempt to take my life that night. My rape occurred seven and a half years ago and I would be lying if I said it did not change my life. Till today I have an extreme fear of being stabbed, having been forced at knifepoint into the bushes. So I decided that this girl would not have to live with the knowledge that her attackers got away with what they did. I decided that somehow I would ensure that, these men faced the consequences of their actions.

Unsure about how to go about ensuring this I did the only thing I could think of, I started a petition on www.change.org. I put up as many details of the case as I could remember and then emailed it to friends and family, stating in my email that “I am not sure if this will make a difference or not, but I cannot do nothing about this. Not this time.” I was remembering the countless horror stories I had heard and forgotten overtime. I remembered the numerous stories of house owners sleeping with their housemaids and not considering it rape. I remembered my guy friend saying to me that he was sure most women in Nigeria lost their virginity before the age of 13 to a family member or a family friend. I remembered all the injustices women suffered in silence in Nigeria daily and I realized I was tired of being quiet. Tired of accepting things the way they were. I can no longer shrug when I hear these stories and say, “well that’s Nigeria for you.” We live in a rape culture in Nigeria, one that discourages victims from coming forward and positively reinforces in men the idea that women are there to be used. And that if a woman is saying no it’s because you have not yet convinced her to say yes. We tell young girls to respect their elders so much that if an “uncle” comes into her room at night, she cannot tell her parents what he did to her because she is afraid to come off as being rude or lying on an elder. We encourage married men to woo young university girls with gifts and car rides and laugh and pat them on the back when they make their “conquests”. Is it any wonder that this young girl did not come forward to report her rape? Who would have believed her?

I feel so much for this poor girl who has had to go through such an ordeal. This petition was started for her and yet I realized that it is so much bigger than just finding her justice. The Vice Chancellor of Abia State University, Professore Chibuzo Ogbuagu, declared without any form of investigation that such a rape could not have occurred because it was never reported. The Governor of Abia State, Theodore Orji, was adamant that the whole situation, including the tape, was a ploy by his enemies to ruin his political career. Commentators on blogs and news websites, heaped blame on the girl asking what she was doing there in the first place. As though her leaving her house that day was her way of signing an agreement to being gang raped. One callous person said that the fact that she did not scream in the video meant that she wanted it. Another genius faceless Internet user said it could not have been rape because it happened in broad daylight. Excuse me while I check my watch, clearly the appropriate hours for rape must have been added to watch faces. I just didn’t get the memo. With this sort of backlash who would willingly come forward and face a second rape from society? This time of victim blaming behavior is exactly why in a country of over 150 million people, only 1952 rapes were reported last year. A mathematical impossibility considering the sheer numbers we are working with.

When I started this petition I was concerned with finding the men who committed this heinous act. Now I realize that the issue is bigger than these five men. We need to work on a better Nigeria. There need to be laws put in place to protect our women. There needs to be a police force that we can trust to take our claims seriously and conduct proper investigations that make us bringing our shame forward worthwhile. We need to have an educated and caring government that bothers to fact check before rashly taking a stand or declaring that despite VIDEO evidence, a rape did not take place. We need to stand up and show policy makers that no longer will we quietly shrug and accept our country and all its inadequacies. It is time to show the government that the citizens do care.

There are National and International eyes watching you now, Nigeria. Will you continue to embarrass us?

If you haven't already signed the petition please do so. Let your voice be heard. Show that you care!

Change.org|Start an Online Petition »

Sped datng

2010-10-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well helloo there.

So I'm going speed dating tonight. Just thought I'd tell you guys.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Ta ta

Jesus Take The Wheel

2010-09-24T02:46:00.001-07:00

I understand why people so often turn to religion. Mostly it used to confuse me how people could think that saying a few words to an unmet deity could ease all their troubles and fix their problems. But lying in bed tonight, unable to sleep, I think I understand it.

When your mind is running 200 miles per second, your chest is tight and your stomach is churning, there is a certain appeal in the idea that there is someone, a God, a super power, out there that can take the burdens of the world out of your hands. I can imagine the relief, when one accepts that they have no power and then they mentally hand over their burdens to one that has the power to fix them. Their breathing becomes more even, their chests relax, the tension in their necks and around their mouths eases and they can get a good night's sleep. It must be bliss to believe so strongly.

I suppose my problem is that I still believe I have the power. I accept that any difficulty I'm facing is of my own making and as such I am the one who can and should fix it. This is probably somewhat arrogant of me. The idea that I have absolute and total power over everything that has, is and will happen to me. But then that's me. A leo through and through.

Jesus take the wheel. If I take my hands off the wheel and offer Jesus the driver's seat, a miracle could happen. He could literally take the wheel and stop me from crashing. But then I know Jesus does not perform miracles on demand. If he did, so many lives would be very different right now.

I'm letting go. Actually I'm not. I can't let go of my troubles. Maybe when it was just me I could, but since my daughter still needs to eat, I have to figure out a way to turn an empty bank account into three square meals, extra curricula activities, a winter wardrobe, gas money and surprise presents.

I do wish I could be one of those people who just let go and let God. Sadly I do not believe that strongly and I subscribe to the school of "Heaven helps those who help themselves".

So as I lay here in my uber comfortable bed, unable to sleep, my hope is not that an unmet deity come and take my troubles from me. It is that I find the strength within myself to solve all that bothers me. It is that I learn discipline, courage, time and money management, self control, patience, love, self respect and proper parenting skills. It is that I find a way to not fail as a single parent. That I provide the best in quality care, love and support for the child I have been charged to raise. And perhaps most important to me at this moment, that I find someone to share the thoughts in my mind with. I don't need a savior, I need a friend.

Strawberry Kisses and Caviar Dreams
Xoxo
Imoteda
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Ehn hen. What are you looking at?

2010-09-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

I do realize that I'm a strange person. Forgive me for that. lolol

So here are the websites:

http://giveme50nigeria.com

Twitter: @naijagiveme50

Join the movement. Please and thanks

Here.. Have some sauteed frog legs

2010-08-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

This will be full of random thoughts (mostly to do with fat chicks)- Deal with it.

The thing I don't get and really cannot understand is the whole "one night stand" thing. K I understand if you get drunk in the club and decide to sleep with a guy you don't know and never speak to him again. Fine. But when two people who actually know each other and still see each other have sex and the sex is amazing and you keep in contact where is the sense in not having sex again? It's not about pride. You've already done it. I suppose some people just get bored and decide that was great and move on. But really you might as well just have sex again. You've already crossed that friendship boundary. Things will never be "normal" between you too. The best you can hope for now is that you eventually drift away and then you lose a friend and a few orgasms. Such a shame

Over the past week at least three people have told me that the way to happiness is to lose weight. Apparently once I drop the pounds the men will come and I will find my prince. Er yea okay. This explains all the skinny girls in wonderful and happy relationships. I mean everyone knows it's a fact that every female who weighs 140 or less is in a committed relationship with an incredibly handsome man who would never in a million years dream of cheating on her or hitting her or abusing her in any way. The ugly, abusive, std passing men are saved for those of us who send the arm on the scale rocketing past 200 lbs. Bull crap. The way to happiness is more likely to lie in me accepting myself for me and not settling for bullcrap. Pretty much the same road for skinny chicks.

I believe it was Juiceegal who tweeted that all girls should go stand naked in front of a mirror one day. Now when i read that particular tweet I was walking around naked in my house. I figured that was pretty much the same thing. I find it fascinating that people think fat people are less likely to love their bodies. If you've ever seen me get dressed up you can pretty much assume that I love this body. No it ain't pretty and yes I definitely look better with clothes on (this is sad but true) but I will still flaunt what I got. I just try and do it tastefully. You will get an eyeful of boobs and probably a whole lotta leg. Sometimes my clothes are fitted but mostly not because I'd rather be comfortable. But I love my wide waist belts. I also love my body. And if you've ever been lucky enough to have sex with me (tee hee hee) you probably realize that I do... plus I'm quite flexible. Oh yea.

I find my attention drifts a lot. I can obsess over a guy for two weeks. Think about him non stop day and night and then the week later my mind is on someone totally different. I guess I just need to be constantly stimulated. I am known for forgetting that Im talking to someone and sometimes even dating them if they ignore me for a day or two. Yea I work like that. Though sometimes ignoring me sends me into overdrive. I obsess about what I could have done to drive that person away. But only until the next thing comes and gains my attention.

So I've decided to ban myself from buying shoes, clothes or make up until December 15th because I believe I am suffering from Omniomania. In order satisfy my addiction to spending money however I decided to take a trip to Bermuda sometime soon. Perhaps I should just stick to buying clothes. Will be cheaper no?

Sometime soon I will do a blog about people and the way they are perceived. Till then I will leave you with this little story...

The other day a friend and I were walking down the river bank. A frog hopped up to me and said "Dear lady. I am an enchanted prince. I was locked in the body of a frog by an evil witch. Kiss me and the spell will be broken. I will be returned to my princely shape and you and I can get married and live happily ever after.'

I looked at the frog thoughtfully for a little while, smiled and picked him up and put him in my pocket. Said bye bye to my friend and hurried off home. She laughed and said "Well I'll be looking forward to the wedding. I'm so glad you found your prince."

She came over later that night and said "So where is your prince? Have you picked a date yet?"

I said to her "I have no idea where my prince is but one day he will come. But for now here... Have some sauteed frog legs"

The end

Until next time

Strawberry Kisses and Caviar Dreams

xoxo

Imoteda

I am Not a Proud Nigerian

2010-06-23T15:59:00.001-07:00

Sigh got so worked up during this video. My english needs to be edited lol. It was a really long video and I had to cut it so bear with the choppiness and lack of organization. I think I still made the point.

Ps. Today is my daughter's birthday!!!! Yay she's threee sooooo excited. Party on Sunday at my house and you are all invited. LOL

Child Support Drama

2010-06-18T13:54:00.001-07:00

Hey y'all another long video to make up for being missing almost or over two months :). Miss you guys :P. I've just been super busy and I haven't had much to blog about. Enjoy

Ooh I tried to get a little funky at the beginning. Im still learning how to work this imovie thingy :)

Ten Things I HEART

2010-04-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

Oya Mwajim Al has passed this on to me so let me do this.

I happen to *HEART* a lot of things (I assume *HEART* means love. lol)

1) I *HEART* my family- my daughter, my mum, my dad, my older and younger brothers, my sister and my lovely cousins. I think I have the best and funniest family ever. And my daughter is just a lil angel- razz yoruba accent and everything lol

2) I *HEART* Make- up and colour. You already know this. But lately I especially love lining my inner lid (rim of my lids? I don't know what to call it) with super black liner. It looks sooo intense lol.

3) I *HEART* SHOES!!! Speaking of shoes www.zacklo.com . If you feel like spending $300 on me go ahead. I won't even be mad lol

4) I *HEART* my friends. They may be just a handful and I'm no popular jingo (wow I'm razz) but I really appreciate the few I have. Its great to have good friends, no?

5) I *HEART* writing. Poetry, essays, random blogspot posts. I really enjoy the ability to express myself through my words. Imagine if writing had never been created. I just enjoy having the ability to turn the thoughts in my head into words or even to just see letters and numbers being formed on a blank piece of paper.

6) I *HEART* rings and necklaces. Seriously I do. Especially big statement pieces.

7) I *HEART* bright nail polish. Green, purple, pink, yellow, electric blue, silver, gold.. loves it. I like darkcolours too though.

8) I *HEART* music. My headphones should just be surgically attached to my head. I listen to music all day everyday. From Celine Dion to Trey Songz to Me'shell Ndegeocello. I need music to get through my day.

9) I *HEART* reading. I have slacked off a little lately. Was trying to develop a five book a week habit. DIdn't work out too well but I'll pick it up again.

10) I *HEART* YOU BLOGVILLIANS!!!!!!! Best online community EVER!! Thanks for putting up with my narcissism and all the encouragements, discouragements and tidbits. Even the negative comments are for me to learn from so I appreciate your honestly. *KISSES*

Okay if you read this then you *HAVE* to do your own ten things I heart. I WILL KNOW IF YOU DON'T!!!

Club 99

2010-04-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

Follow me on Twitter damnit. ImotedaA. LOL!!!

*My mom forwarded this email to me this morning and I especially love it because I feel you can relate it to all human relationships. You keep searching for the one thing or that one person or that one characteristic that will now make you happy that you forget to enjoy what you have NOW. I hope this is as inspiring to you as it was to me. Have a blessed day people.

Once upon a time, there lived a King who, despite his luxurious lifestyle, was neither happy nor content.

One day, the King came to a Servant who was singing happily while he worked.

This fascinated the King; why was he, the Supreme Ruler of the Land, unhappy and gloomy, while a lowly Servant had so much joy.

The King asked the Servant, "Why are you so happy?"

The Servant replied, "Your Majesty, I am nothing but a Servant, but my family and I do not need too much - just a Roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummies."

The King was not satisfied with that reply. Later in the day, he sought the advice of his most trusted Advisor. After hearing the King's woes and the Servant's story, the Advisor said, "Your Majesty, I believe that the Servant has not been made part of The Club 99."

"The Club 99? And what exactly is that?" the King inquired.

The Advisor replied, "Your Majesty, to truly know what Club 99 is, place 99 Gold Coins in a bag and leave it at this Servant's doorstep."

The king did as he was told. When the Servant saw the bag, he took it into his house. When he opened the bag, he let out a great shout of joy... so many Gold Coins! He began to count them. After several counts, he was at last convinced that there were 99 Coins.

He wondered, "What could've happened to that last Gold Coin? Surely, no one would leave 99 Coins!" He looked everywhere he could, but that final Coin was elusive.

Finally, exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to earn that Gold Coin and complete his collection.

>From that day, the Servant's life changed. He was overworked, horribly grumpy, and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th Gold Coin. He stopped singing while he worked.

Witnessing this drastic transformation, the King was puzzled. When he sought his Advisor's help, the Advisor said, "Your Majesty, the Servant has now officially joined Club 99."

He continued, "Club 99 is a name given to those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented, because they're always yearning and striving for that extra "1" telling to themselves: "Let me get that one final thing and then I will be happy for life."

We can be happy, even with very little in our lives, but the minute we're given something bigger and better, we want even more! We lose our sleep, our happiness; we even hurt the people around us.

All these as a Price for our growing needs and desires.

*In Other news: This volcano is keeping me from my daughter. The thing needs to behave itself o!"

*In Other Other News: I absolutely adore this song and Fiona Apple*

My week in a Mental Institution

2010-04-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

Yes yes yes you read right.

I think I've been bitten by the blog-bug. Maybe it's coz I'm mostly done school and am technically 0n vacation (let's ignore the pink elephant in the shape of my week late WS essay).

So yes. I spent a week in the Mental Health Ward in Belleville General Hospital in 2004. Sigh. Horrible memories.

I remember there was one guy in particular who took to me really well. Patients were all encouraged to eat meals in the common dining room. Well not encouraged more like forced to coz frankly I wanted to sit in my bed and eat there in semi-privacy. Anyways this guy was a pretty tall dude. Maybe 6'3-ish. He would come sit down across from me and talk to his cutlery pointing at it and then pointing at his place. Seriously having a full conversation with it. Then start mumbling about how he "fucking hates caucasian people", smiling at me occasionally or just asking me random questions I was too nervous to answer. After a while though I got used to him though. He was a little sweetie really.

I remember the one thing that struck me, not actually being crazy or in need of being in a mental institution, were the bars everywhere. The beds had bars and scary looking things that could be used to strap patients down. Bars across the windows and bars that blocked the main entrance to the other wings of the hospital. It was prison for crazy people. And it was enough to drive me crazy. I remember waking up one day and just wanting to run at the window and scream. Forget the concussion or the bumps and bruises I might suffer. The only thing that stopped me was the memory of this black french girl screaming and struggling on a bed while three nurses held her down and sedated her. I had no interest in being that girl ever.

I hated every second of that week. The condescending nurses with their defeatist attitudes. They hated their jobs and hated me because I was a spoilt private school girl who decided that life was too tedious to live and tried to off myself on painkillers so I wouldn't have to deal with having to sit through another day of pedicures and lunches at the ritz and such. Or so they thought. Ofcourse it didn't help that I refused to say anything more than hello and thank you to anyone but my dear crazy lunchtime partner Bob (I forget his name.. or maybe I never knew it).

The french girl was a scary person to share a room with. She did nothing. Just sat there looking traumatized. She would occasionally burst out in french, rambling on for minutes at a time only to lapse back into silence.

The doctor assigned to me had obviously seen more than his fair share of high school students. Asked me if my boyfriend had broken up with me. Did I hate my parents? Was I being bullied at school? A bunch of inane questions that just to me seemed a little dumb. I wanted to say "I am Nigerian buddy. We don't off ourselves when our boyfriends break up with us, we get our daddies' to ruin their daddies' businesses!" (LOL... I kid I Kid) Anyways, of all the questions he asked he never asked the most obvious one that you would ask a 17 yr old girl who had just inhaled a bottle of painkillers. He finally released me at the end of the week. I'm sure his notes on my chart said "Stupid teenager. Waste of government money. Should pick better boyfriends."

Anyways. My week was horrible. But all the time I felt bad for indulging my own self pity and putting my parents through the heartache of having:

1) A daughter who tried to kill herself.

2) A daughter in a mental health ward (imagine my naija parents sitting there thinking their child might be crazy)

3) A child who refused to talk about why she tried to kill herself.

It took me three years to tell my parents why I did it. I'm really sad that I hurt them that way.

I am not what I 'Hair"

2010-04-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

I was straightening my hair this afternoon and wondering if I was applying too much heat to my hair, since I straightened it yesterday, when my mind drifted as it tends to do. I found myself thinking back to a facebook status I had seen earlier in the day:

"You can't be high fashion with nappy hair?!" WTH says that?! Don't even get me

started cause that comment is already as low as it gets.

I wondered who had actually said that and then I wondered who really cared

that much? Lately the whole Natural hair trend seems to be gaining a life of its own.

Everywhere I turn some black or mixed girl is

declaring "I'm going Natural! Back to my roots! Back to my nappy roots!"

Maybe not quite in those words but close enough. All one needs to do is sign on

to facebook and there's a multitude of albums showing the transition.

Blogspot is full of ladies who have decided to go ba

ck to the roots. I even once played with the idea of going natural but then decided it wasn't for me. I like my

relaxed hair.

What I did do, though, was get rid of the weave. I had

weaves back to back to back from April 2009 till beginning of March 2010 and one day I decided

enough was enough. I needed to feel my scalp. Now before 2008 I had spent most of my time with my

natural hair out. I had short spiky hair, a fauxhawk, a mohawk, purple hair, yellow hair, you name it... I had it.

What is interesting though is that most people do not remember any of this. I

posted a picture of my new hair cut on facebook and

someone commented that it was the first time they had seen my real hair. Of course it wasn't. It's more likely that

last year was the first time they had seen me in a weave considering I don't see her

that often.

I argued with one of my guy friends about non-black

girls and weaves. He refuses to believe that

white/latino/asian girls wear weaves just as often as black girls do. I would know

from the amount of weave I have put in none black girls' hair and the amount of white girls waiting to get their

tracks tightened when I go to the salon but he thinks

weave is a predominantly black thing. And so does that rest of the world.

So why does it matter? Apparently me wearing my weave or my natural hair relaxed (or permed like they

call it here) is a sign that I hate and am trying to deny my black roots. Sure if you trace it to Madam CJ Walker

who was one of the first pioneers of hair tonic for black women that was designed to straighten their

hair and help them assimilate better into white society, you could say that is

the case. She even advertised with slogans such as "Make yourself look respectable" "A more

civilized you" - implying that nappy hair is not civilized and is definitely not respectable. As it wasn't in

those days. Back in the late 19th century nappy hair was definitely considered a

marker of low class, a black woman with relaxed roots was definitely more welcome... though she still

wasn't all that welcome she would do better than her fro carrying sisters especially if she used some bleach as

well as the hair tonics.

BUT....

Are we still back in the 19th century? We live in a world where racism is no doubt still rampant and in

existence but is fighting the sister's fight with our natural hair the way forward? I now see a different trend arising.

Natural hair sister's are starting to look down on sister's with straight hair. Blogs about the natural

journey are stating "You are not black and proud enough if your hair is still on that 'creamy crack'!" I see people

like Bob-Ij and Afropolitan and it seems to me that they are being consumed almost wholly by the identity of

their hair and their clothing. Are we missing the bigger picture here? I do not mean to criticize any of them

because they are both talented and beautiful women. I just mean to say that I know more about

Afropolitan's hair than I do about her fashion line which from what I remember was lovely. Bob-Ij had some

promise with make up but that has been consumed by her constant posts about kinky twists and nappy fros.

I love her Dione Mauve line- she's got so many beautiful clutches that I am craving but I can barely go to her

blog without being attacked by the natural hair scene.

Now I would be lying if I say these ladies did not have anything to do with me laying the weaves to rest.

There is something incredibly beautiful about taking pride in something that is entirely and naturally

yours. My relaxed hair is all mine. It is all my hair. Short as it is it is mine. And that's

something that made me smile this morning. The fact that I choose to relax it

makes it no less mine. Same with Eni David's lovely fro-hawk. It is beautifully and

completely hers and that's something to be proud of. But it is not her identity. Neither is my hair my

identity. It is such a small part of what makes me, Me!

I thought to myself this

morning. Why do I relax my hair? And my answer was simple. Because I like it that

way. There is truly no deeper psychological meaning to it. It is beautiful to me so I keep it that way.

Maybe next week I will go back to the weaves. Or

perhaps go natural. Maybe even go bald. Who knows? But if I do it will be because that is what I want. Not

because I think it makes me whiter or blacker or prouder.

We need to remember that what we are is not determined by what we carry or what we wear or what we "hair". It is determined by what is inside us.

If you get a minute, tell me why you wear your hair the way you do. I'm sure there will be some interesting answers.

Love you all

Imoteda

*Sorry if this post is long and all over the place. Just felt like getting these thoughts out*

"The fact that I said I would always love you doesn't mean that I have to"

2010-04-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

These were the wonderful words the baby daddy said to me when I had one of my oh so embarrassing moments of weakness and was practically begging him to get back with me.

Men those words were like being dumped into an ice bath. And I remember thinking to myself; "He doesn't mean that, he's just hurt that you broke up with him."

The little lies we tell ourselves to feel better, no?

Of course I realize now that what he didn't mean was the "I'll always love you." It was just one of the things that people say. In the throes of passion, when you're cuddling and you're feeling all warm and content and not giving thought to the next day or even the next minute, much less the next twenty years.

You can't know that you will always love someone. Life happens. People change. I changed, he changed. I was sure I would love him till I died. But right now... I come up against a blank wall when I try to think about how I feel towards him. There should be a name for that emotion. That "meh" feeling you get when you think about someone who used to mean the world to you. I guess you could call it indifference.

Words are so powerful. I was talking to a guy on bbm (yes I'm a crackberry addict) and he kept making the same comment over and over again; "You give the most non-committal answers and you dodge questions so well."

I suppose I do. Not because I'm dodging questions or because I'm trying to be sketchy but because words can be more permanent than tattoos sometimes. I, of all people, know that once you say something, taking it back is virtually impossible. And the pain that the attempt can cause someone... well it's just not worth it.

So I try not to make any commitments. I never say "I will", I say "I will try". I never say "I do", I say "It's possible". I never give a direct answer because things change. People change and I change.

I remember crawling into a ball and crying crying crying my eyes out that day. I screamed till I was hoarse and still the pain didn't go away.

My words will never do that to anyone.

In My happy Place :)

2010-03-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

Necklace- www.lulus.com

Lipstick- Estee Lauder Mocha

I can't forgive nor forget...

2010-03-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

I think I hate my body. Not because I'm big or anything but because once someone has touched it you can always feel that person touching you. And its not possible to get rid of that feeling. And I've tried. I really have. Seriously I've punched my boobs like seriously with force but I can still feel his fucking hands and his fucking lips and you want me to forgive you and forget about it and go back to normal? Why should I? So you can feel better about yourself.

I told him I forgave him and tried to act normal for a bit but the fact is I can't.

Are y'all a little confused? Sorry let me catch you up.

A while ago a friend did me a favour. I was stuck in the airport with no money (because I left all my money in Canada when I was going to naija... who does that?)

Away so he picked me up got me a place to tay and chilled to take me back to the airport in the morning.

In the middle of the night I wake up and I feel somebody touching me. I'm actually a very very very heavy sleeper so it took me a while to clue in to what was going on. When I fully realized I was shocked and more than a little disturbed? Since when is this normal behaviour? Especially since he has a girlfriend who is my pretty close friend.

So I chose to not make the biggest deal out of it. I drew away told him to stop as firmly as I could manage and he did. Me I went back to bed, kinda sha, coz I could fall back asleep immediately. A few minutes later his hands are back and he is touching me again. This time I'm more than a little mad so I tell him to please go back and sleep in the living room where he was supposed to be sleeping anyways. He apologizes and leaves. I shut the door behind him. The door didn't have a lock and I considered putting one of my boxes behind it but then thought that might be a little bit excessive. I get back into bed and eventually fall asleep.

Three hours later this boy is back. This time I'd deep into my REM sleep. Like I'm seriously gone. I know he said something to me but I have no idea what it was. All I know is this time by the time I woke up his mouth has replaced his hands and my boobs are all out in the open... *oh gosh now I'm crying*...

Sha sha sha so I wake up I'm upset. I pretty much silently yell at him he's apologizing I'm just like whatever. I'm all quiet and shit and then this homie starts to say stupid shit like I've always been attracted to you blah de blah de blah.

Like seriously? So it's my fault that you decided to molest me in the middle of the night? I should have been born super ugly so you wouldn't have decided to come and feel up on me? I told you no three times. I don't think people realize that rape is defined as "forced sexual acts with an unwilling person." So you didn't have sex with me in my sleep. Good for you. In my mind you still raped me.

I stormed out of the room after he said that foolishness and locked myself in the bathroom. Cried a bit. Took the hottest shower I could stand and then cried some more.

When I went back to the room he was still there and still talking his bullshit. This was the guy who had to take me back to the airport seeing as I was stuck in England with no money. SO i did what I figured would get him to shut up. I said I forgave him and tried to be as quiet as I could manage for the rest of my time.

He came to visit his girlfriend in Canada and kept trying to "talk" to me. Kept touching me. I don't think it was in a sexual way but why the heck did he have to keep touching me? I don't like being touched on a regular day and its even worse when its by someone who has tried to turn me into his little cumbucket (thats such an ugly word... cumbucket).

Point is I have tried really, really tried to talk to him like evrything is normal and like it never happened. But it did. And I realize something:

Dude, I don't HAVE to forgive you, I don't HAVE to forget. I will NOT forgive you and I will NOT forget.

You made me feel dirty. Now I wake up at night and I can freaking feel you touching me and I'm crying for no good reason. Will forgiving you make that feeling go away?

So thank you. Thank you a whole fucking bunch. For being a man who can't control himself. .

Sorry guys. I know this is a little heavy but I needed to get it off my chest. And if anyone can tell me how to stop feeling this way I would seriously appreciate it.

Am I over reacting? I feel like I am but I seriously can't help the way I feel. I have tried I swear.

And to my friend. I know you'll probably read this and I know he's your man and all. But I'm sorry. Its just the way I feel.

Updates... And pictures

2010-03-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

I know I have been gone for a long while but things have been a little hectic around here. So let me just let you know what's been going on the past few weeks or so.

I've finally got my appointment for my citizenship test. No

w I have to study for it. Gosh I'm not impressed the book is some kinda boring.

So remember some post I did at the beginning of the year I said Iw anted to try dark straight bangs? Well I did. Didn't buy the good hair though, just bought the cheap $17 packs of hair. And here it is :)

I kinda like it... What do you think? Ooh and look I was wearing silver eye shadow for the first time ever. I like it now :)

Uhmm Okay I also renovated my room like I'd been planning to for years... Here come pictures

its a little small girly but I absolutely loves it. K I will do some serious post later on in the week. Just felt bad about not doing anything for so long. Bye love muffins :)

Apparently "I aint shit"

2010-02-09T19:53:00.001-08:00

So this Negro that I met through Petrina, has decided that sometime in our short acquaintance I have given him permission to speak to me like a prepubescent high school boy.

So here's the background, he said he wanted to go out one night. I said fine, I have nothing to do, sure. I got there. he made me wait while he showered. Then made me drive giving me some lame excuse about his insurance. What grown ass 30 yr old man can't sort out his insurance on a car he has had for ages?
Anyhow, he then refused to pay the 10 dollar cover charge and suggested we go to Tim Horton's instead. Now I would have been fine paying for myself but he obviously wasn't ready to pay for his cover. So after the Tim Horton's run, thanks for the French Vanilla by the way, I decided to drop his behind home (thank God I drove) and head over to a sensible friend's house to play video games.

And suddenly a series of yahoo messages begin. He sends like three or four messages in rapid succession, pathetic little "omg what did I do wrong?" "Im sorry if I've offended you" blah de blah de blah messages and then signs off before I even get the chance to type "hello". Then returns the next day with even more pathetic and whiny messages and then signs off.

He comes today with some slightly aggressive messages about how he's just trying to be my friend and he doesn't now why I suddenly turned cold towards him and ends with:
"This is my last attempt, God is love"
and once more signs off without me getting a chance to type a word in sideways.

So I send homeboy a text message.
And the following messages are typed word for word with nothing added or removed.

Imoteda: Okay I'm not acting cold towards you. And if you would stays online for five minutes after you give one of your speeches I would be able to tell you that.

Debo Adeyemo (yes that's his name): Thanks for the sarcasm. Do what u gotta do. Peace

Imoteda: Where was the sarcasm? You know what I don't need your insecurities. Bye Debo

(so maybe I was wrong to call him insecure. But the dude seriously is)

Debo Adeyemo: U r not normal at all. Loose the attitude. How would i be insecure when i feel good about myself. U r funny and need help.

(did I mention how much I hate when ppl mix up loose and lose? Seriously? THis is grade school English)

Debo Adeyemo: I do have a gf that does see any insecurities, im trying to b a friend and ur rude as hell. Good ridance. Im not sweating u.

(please don't let me start on the bad spelling and grammar issues in that. And I'm sure he meant to say " that does not")

Imoteda: Alright I see. Thanks for the advice. Please don't speak to me again. Good bye

Debo Adeyemo: think i care if i speak to u again? Who the hell do u think u r. U aint shit

(And now you see the reason for the Note Title)

Imoteda: Really? I aint shit? That's the best you could come up with? Hunny get creative!

(So I'm pushing it a little at this point but the part of me that loves drama couldn't just let it go)

Debo Adeyemo: please act like a woman,b civilized. i dont have anything to prove,, im not here to see who is the meanest. If i ever did anything wrong, i was apologizing not i have insecurities. Get a life

(apparently I act like an uncivilized man, one who has no life)

Imoteda: Bye Debo

Debo Adeyemo: No wonder u dont have a boyfriend. U r mad, retard spoiled brat

See what I go through? Really? I also hate when ppl say retard instead of retarded but ah wells.

Did I mention that this guy is a 30 yr old man? Yes 30, 31 this year.

Sigh.

Please see me if you're interested in seeing the actual text messages. I'm telling you I could not make this shit up. It needed to go on blogspot so that the next time someone asks me why I avoid Nigerian men I can reference this.

I Like Shoes

2010-01-25T16:23:00.001-08:00

So I promised I would do a blog on shoes. BAsically its a bunch of my shoes sha... Watch the video.
I watched this and I realised that I speak in the strangest accent. Ah wells what do you do.

Lip liner- Magenta M.A.C
Lip Gloss- Dazzleglass Creme - Creme Allure M.A.C

Websites
www.myspringshoes.com
www.bakersshoes.com
www.lulus.com

And the video is def longer than 7 mins lol

Martin Luther King

2010-01-18T05:52:00.000-08:00

Understand that I'm glad that MLK did what he did but I am Nigerian, so he holds no particular significance for me aside from a name I occasionally pass in a history book. When I refuse to participate in your events its not because I hate my black roots. Its because MY black history was written by different people...

When you celebrate Dr. Nnamdi Azikiwe or have a Wole Soyinka Day.. please believe I will be there at all the movie events and club events waving my Nigerian flag and pumping my fist in the air yelling "NO BIAFRA!!!". Not all black people lived the same story nor lived HIS-tory

New term, New Shoes, New Outlook, New hair? New MAN??!!!

2010-01-14T04:13:00.000-08:00

Alright... I am actually quite optimistic about this year. I really am. Looking forward to a satisfying drama free year.

So it's a new term. I've missed almost two weeks of school and I'm slightly freaked but it is all good. I shall have no problem catching up (or at least that is the hope). I know this sounds foolish but the higher up you get in university the harder the classes get (no duh Imoteda). I just feel like I should be rewarded for the three years I've already put in now. Is that too much to ask? But I will not whine. I will go to class and I will pass and if I don't I will cry. Seriously lol.

Okay I can't remember if I blogged about this or not but last year I saw a gorgeous pair of boots at Naturalizer suede and leather and I was totally in love with them. But they were $170. Now I know it doesn't sound like that much to some of you but I have this new thing I'm trying where I don't spend too much money that I haven't earned on stuff I don't need. Anyways point of the story is that they were having a sale when I went to the mall today and the boots were now $99 :) So ofcourse I bought them. I almost didn't but then I was like yea well I got christmas money so it evens out no? And then they had a gorgie leather tote style bag for $26!! My head nearly exploded as in y'all need to come over here and feel how soft this leather is. So i bought it:) And now I'm happy tee hee. Wait gonna Take a picture :)
Okay so the lighting sucks.. I'll try another day. K that's it for New Shoes lol

New Outlook- Refer to previous blog entry. Gonna do more this year.

New Hair- Please its necessary o. I've been wearing the same brown curly weave since march. Obviously I've removed it washed it and restyled a couple time but its still the same brown hair. I wanna go dark and super straight. I've been told it might not work. But I straightened this before I went to naija and I kinda liked it. Wait o.. another picture coming... lol
Well there you have it. What do y'all think? I want something similar but with shorter bangs (I really couldn't see through those as is obvious) and like longer hair.

Okay... the last one. New Man?!?!?!
Infact I know I've jinxed it shaaaa. But there's a dude. And he's nice and he's sweet and I really kinda really really really like him. But then y'all know me and my shaking knees (i have no clue what that means lol) But sha my head is doing start and stop. Besides I'm not sure what he wants. But he makes me feel soooooo good about me. Then again Im kinda scared to scare him off. And he reads my blog so this is probably a bad idea but erm.. this is me jo. Maybe I'll just tell him to read it. Anyways point is I'm feeling dude and I think he's feeling me but who can really be sure. Then there's the whole long distance thing and man that one is super LOOOOOOONG! But I just may be willing to do it. Anyways I like him and I just wanna be like you know.. free. Not over think anything just do sha. Oh and there's the fact that I haven't mentioned that I've decided I'm not going to do the whole sex thing in a relationship anymore. Too many complications and blah de blah. I guess he knows now.Lol. Oh and the fact that I actually want a relationship not a "thing". I've never understood what a "thing" is. Ah wells.

Okay y'all. That's it for now.
Next week's entry will be about my shoes :). I wanted to do it this week but mami needs a pedicure lol. I'm showing cheap shoe options that still look good. yes most of my shoes are tres cheap :P Sue me.

Love y'all. I know this was long sorry

Strawberry Kisses and Caviar Dreams Peoples

~*Imoteda*~

PS: Subscribe follow and comment jo
K we'll see

PPS: I just realized that there's absolutely nothing anonymous about this blog anymore lol. I might as well type in my full name and address :)

ITs A New Year

2010-01-01T03:31:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR MY WONDERFUL PEOPLE!!!

My new year resolution is to do more... Love more, care more, try more, laugh more.. and hopefully pass more :P

I wish I had more hours in the day or better still that I had a clone of myself.
It would make life sooo much easier. But I don't so I'm gonna make the best of it.

find myself with all these great ideas in my head that I never have time to put to paper or to internet as the case may be. But this year I'm going to do my best to make it happen.
I'm back to my focus on make up and as soon as I return to Canada I will be making a few changes to this blog space and possibly moving the blog to my website.
More about that later.

For now.. what are your new years resolutions people? WHat canges do you want to make and how do you plan to achieve them?
Let me know

~*StRaWbErRy KiSsEs*~
Imoteda

Relationships Are Like Shoe Shopping...

2009-12-14T00:12:00.001-08:00

You don't enter one store and purchase the very first pair of shoes you see... You go in, you look around until you spot the pair that suits your needs at that exact moment.

You may be looking for a bit of fun and some excitement so you go with a nice 3inch shoe in a pastel yellow or vibrant blue or a purple .
Or you may be feeling a little more sombre and focused so you go with a nice solid heel in black or navy blue.
Perhaps you're feeling super sexy so you go for a sexy 4.5 to 5 inch stiletto in shiny black or ruby red. A shoe that says... I'm on the prowl tonight.

But that's not the end of it.. after you pick your shoe you try it on for size. Sometimes you have to try a couple sizes to find the right fit. You let the sales assistant seduce you into purchasing the shoe and you leave the store smiling and walking on air for a few minutes, or hours or days... sometimes even week...

BUT You keep your receipt. See your receipt is your security blanket. Because you know that if you get home and you slip your pedicured feet into those vibrant blues or sexy stilettos or solid heels and they don't work for you... you can just take them back. Return them and start all over again. Sure you may miss the shoes o a little bit. Perhaps feel some regret. But eventually you'll get over it.

These shoes are your practice runs... like your relationships up till a certain point are just practice.. they are fun, sometimes solid, sometimes ultra sexy but you hold a little bit of yourself back, your security banket. In case things don't work out you can always just check out. Maybe with some regret, some sadness but hey.. you'll get over it eventually.

And then there are "The Shoes". Your beautiful Louboutins or Prada's. $2,500. You have saved and you have taken an extra job just to afford them. A lot of time and consideration has gone into picking these shoes. You looked at them online. Visited them in the store. Factored them into your yearly budget.
You've agonized over which pair to pick for months because this isn't a decision you make easily.

Finally you've decided. A classic black pair of Louboutin stilettos with a slightly pointed round toe. The perfect shoe. They are your skirt, jeans, dress, fun in the sun, hey let's go to a wedding, down to the bar for drinks, we go with everything shoe. Oh they may not be much to look at. Stunning yes, but to those with a less discerning eye they ar ejust another pair of black heels. But you know and those who matter know that in five, ten, fifteen, forty five years... you can pull out those Louboutins and you're ready for your event oy your day. Just as stylish as you were in these same shoes 50 years ago...

And ladies when you find your Louboutin, that's when you've found your man. You've worked hard and you've sweat and put a lot of energy into this man. There have been times when you've wondered if it was worth. But all through it he has never let you down. Sure they have been disappointing times and you had to perhaps get a cap replaced on the heel but he still looks as good as ever and he is still and stylish and dependable as the day you fell in love with him.

Yes ladies, that Louboutin relationship... That one is the keeper.

So don't waste your time with Spring and Aldo and Bakers... fun yes, flirty perhaps.

Don't spend weeks pining over that sexy man that came to you as easy as $35 and left just as quickly. Wait patiently and put in the work and save up for that man. For that perfect Christian Louboutin Classic Black Stiletto

Naliya

2009-11-26T23:18:00.001-08:00

They say every child in their mothers' eyes is the most perfect and unique creature
Regardless of how many children they birth
I have and continue to see evidence that proves contrary
And despite said evidence I conclude that they are right
Because experience is the best teacher and
I have and continue to experience perfection
First in two pink lines that signaled conception
Then in ten months of weight gain, kicks and wobbling around
And then most profoundly in a 7lb 12oz bundle of pink hospital blankets
Suckling on my breast and holding on to me ever so lightly
They say the first moment you hold your child is one of the most beautiful you will ever experience
I guess they got that right

Perhaps if I had birthed a different child
One that didn't have your big bright eyes
Or you funny little laugh
Or the strange way you wriggled before you learned to crawl properly
One who didn't walk until she or he was one
Or one who preferred sleeping beside me as opposed to sleeping on my back
Perhaps I would still be sitting here
Thinking the same thoughts, writing the same words
Perhaps, but I don't believe it

When people ask me about future children
I laugh and say, One is enough!
Make it sound like I can only handle one at a time
But the truth is I'm more than a little scared
Scared that I have used up all the love that I was allotted at creation
For truly I can hardly find space within myself to love someone new
Scared that should my heart suddenly double in size
And I find myself miraculously able to love another the way I love you
That I would fall and shatter under the weight of that love
Because truly, no one deserves to be that lucky

To feel a love like the one I feel
In my most selfish ways
I had never imagined it possible
To be consumed with feelings such as this
Feelings that weren't directed towards myself
Had someone seen fit to look forward into the future
And inform me that this was coming my way
Explained it to me in its entirety
I would surely have ducked
Done everything in my power to avoid such a burning love
For fear the it would overwhelm me
And leave nothing in its wake
For this reason I am glad time travel is not possible
I would surely have missed out on the most precious gift of all

They say a mother would sacrifice herself to keep her child safe
Once again I have no choice to agree
Because from the moment you suckled my breast
All that was good in the world became tied to you
For what reason would I preserve myself and lose you?
There would be nothing but emptiness left
I couldn't return to the ways of old and forget that you were
And I couldn't replicate you and make things the way they should be
So I will once again ask
For what reason would I preserve myself and lose you?
To live a life of emptiness?
Or perhaps a life of madness because that would surely follow

Never

But I sit here comfortable in the knowledge that you are secure
And can only hope that a time never comes when I will have to make that sacrifice
Hope that for the rest of my days
And long may they be
I can watch you grow
And bloom
And say to myself
"They said you weren't ready for this
Oh were they ever wrong"

I can only hope Naliya
That one day you will read this
And the many others that are to come
And realize
That they were right
You are the most perfect and unique creature that ever was

Now that I'm Back...

2009-10-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm back with all the randomness and this will be a random post full of one-liners or three liners lol....

So I bought a cook book and I've been trying out some recipes. Okay so I've tried out two. Made pesto and brown rice and turkey meat-loaf. Man o man do these Oyinbo people know how to write up amazing recipes. To be honest I wasn't impressed at first coz my roommate made the first two dishes and I was just like meh.. but then I cooked and Im in heaven.

I've never liked pesto but now I love love love love love it...

Gonna cook something else tomorrow. Im gonna start documenting it for you guys. Cooking can be such therapy.

Okay I know I'm late but apparently Tyra Banks declared september National Real Hair Month or something like that. Apparently black women were supposed to let the weaves, wigs and relaxers go and be free and natural and love their natural hair. Sorry Miss Tyra and I hope you don't hate me but I'm just another self-hating weave wearing negro who's tryna get as close to white as I possibly can. Well maybe not white but indian coz september I was rocking TWO yes TWO AND A HALF packs of virgin indian hair. See I don't even do the textured stuff that's been made to look like black relaxed hair. I got right for the original. Straight out of some poor girl in India's hair and right into mine. Don't worry she gets compensated. Boo hoo I have a weave, I hate my blackness.

Please people. I'm tired of all the natural hair toting people going on and on about how they are blacker than me, how they appreciate themselves more than me and how they are more in tune with themselves than I am. Hair is hair... It will grow, it will break, it will be styled, it will be ignored and it will be hair. Who cares? Why is everyone putting so much emphasis on what black women do with their hair? White women, latino women, indian women, asian women and black women all wear weaves. Who the f*** cares? Moving on please...

I'm obsessed with shoes... I am so obsessed with shoes. Oh my days I am obsessed with shoes. I've ordered two pairs through my brother in the past two days. I've got about 14 more that Im ordering from the states. Just waiting for a little more money to enter the back so I can order them all at once. Gosh I'm obsessed. I so need to stop. I really do. I'm spending my grocery money on shoes. Like seriously. Someone come help me. PUH-LEASE

Speaking of hair. I've discovered my new hair style. Blow dried crazy hair lol. I wash my hair and blow dry it and it gets so big and crazy and I LOVE IT!!!!! It looks psycho but then I am psycho. I will show you pinshure... lol

Yes I seriously go out like that. LOl.

Ah wells

Finished one horrible assignment on monday. Never been happier in my life. Midterm next week. So sad lol.

K I'm off to bed...

Have a wonderful night huns

So I'm back...

2009-10-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

I know what you are thinking.. "So why all the drama about leaving if you would be back after two months?"

I don't know o. Lol. But Those two months were good for me I swear.

I was at a point where I felt like I had absolutely no control over anything around me: school, boys, my family, everything.

So I took some time off from everything (shopping included). BAsically stayed at home chilled with my daughter and my parents, talked to like two friends and a few cousins and just did me for a while.

And I've come to realize something. I was stressed over drama that wasn't even mine.

You know when things aren't working out for people around you and you start to feel like it will never work out for you?

Thats what I was feeling right then.

I just needed space and a little time to sort of what feelings were mine and what feelings were sympathetic.

So it only took two months for me to get to where I am now and I have to confess that I am in such a happy place. I've stopped talking to about three quarters of my "friends" and I feel no loss (obviously we weren't friends). I literally have four people now that are really friends and Im fine with that.

School is going pretty well. After all my stressing last term I still passed so I'm not even mad and this term I will pass again. Mostly coz I have no choice. BBA (my father) will kill me if I don't.

I think I'm learning how to dress my size and so I'm feeling more confident. Also been doing the gym thing so I have more energy and just feel better generally.

My daughter is still as gorgeous as ever and funny and witty at two. She's amazing and father never fails to tell me what a good job I'm doing with her. Even if he must say it because he's my dad I still love that he cares enough to.

So basically my life is good. Only downside is that I am now doing absolutely no make up but its all good. Just wait till I finish.

I appreciate all of you who stuck around and emailed me even after I closed my blog.

And I will be catching up slowly on the backlog of blogs that I've missed. Rocnaija hasn't blogged in like six weeks. Anyone know whats going on there?\

IM BACK Y'ALL!!

Black People Listen Up

2009-10-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

Now I would like to say that this guy draws on a lot of stereotypes and I do not agree with everything that he says. However he does make some valid points.

As a single mother myself I can say that I made foolish decisions and need to do better and not blame my mistakes on the man in the situation.

One cannot blame women for everything that is wrong with the black nation, Oprah's work should not be maligned because she has done some good things. THere is nothig wrong with a strong black woman.

I post these videos hoping that black women will watch this video and learn a few lessons from it. Ignore your first reaction to be mad and really pay attention.

LEt us reclaim our femininity, let us be strong and good women. Let us refuse to let men dictate to us what we will be.

Don't listen to black men talk about "the booty" and the pretty face. Get your mind together.

You've got kids. Take care of your kids. Leave the man be if he isn't paying bills. Find a way to pay your own bills.

Naija girls forget the cool lagos boys in their rap crews and their big boy cars.

Don't let black men, white men, white women or anybody hold you down.

Take from this the important things. Go for real men and ignore a man who sags his pants.

Stop being scared (yes we sometimes are) of good men. And stop looking for good-looking men.

Oh and by the way...

IM BACKKKKKK!!!!!

Adieu, Adieu... Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

2009-07-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

So I've been playing with this idea for weeks now. Every-time I update I think about it but today i think the time has come...

I am removing my blog from circulation.

You may wonder why. To be completely honest I don't know why I am deleting it. It just seems like the right to do at this point.

I guess the blog just reminds me too much of the general dissatisfaction I feel with life at the moment.

I'm not where I want to be or the person I thought I'd be by now and every-time I come on here for some reason I'm reminded of that.

Of-course you guys have been absolutely great and I really hope some of you will keep in touch.

imoteda@imoteda.com. Feel free to email me.

Don't worry. I'll still be stalking your blogs.

In the meantime I hope you will all move with me to Ari's blog: www.skcd.blogspot.com

Follow her, read and welcome her to Blogsville. SHow her the love you've shown me.

I absolutely adore you guys and I'm gonna miss ya!!!!

Strawberry Kisses and Caviar Dreams

xoxo

Imoteda

(blog will be remove on the 5th of August 2009)

My Birthday Wishlist....

2009-07-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

Okay! My birthday is coming up soon. And I've decided that I will make a wish list. Like I do every year. I never get anything on said wishlist but meh, I still make it anyways. I can only hope right???

So Here goes in no particular order of preference, My Wish List For My 23rd Birthday!!!

- My daughter to be around on my birthday

- A food processor

- An audi (really any will be appreciated)

- A Car (once more any will be appreciated)

- Money (any amount will be appreciate in excess of $50)

- Celine Dion cds (the whole collection is what I'm aiming for)

- Shoes

- Make up (M.A.C, Nacara, Christian Dior, Make Up Forever, Smash Box ...)

- A set of M.A.C make up brushes

- A shopping spree

- Weave (yes I want someone to buy me virgin indian hair for my birthday, straight black please, 16,18 &20 inches)

- A trip somewhere

- A lot of hugs. I miss being hugged

- A smart sensitive tall dark skin average looking boyfriend who is genuinely a good person with respect for women :)

- My daughter to at least call and wish me a happy birthday

- One of those singing hallmark cards from my daughter where she has recorded herself saying "I love you mommy"

Okay, I really do think thats it :) Feel free to make my wishes come true:)

August 5th I'm 23.

The world keeps turning babe...

2009-07-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

So he came. The baybay.

He told me a few days ago that he was in england. On his way here.
I just didn't believe him.
He called me today and was like "what's your address?"

Me: Why?
Bay: I just got into canada
Me: really?
Bay: yea

So I gave him the address of the place I was. A part of me still didn't believe but half an hour later he calls to tell me he's outside.

I walked out and there he was. Looking all good and tired and stuff. If this had been three weeks ago I would have flown into his arms and like practically broken his face with kisses.
Today I just walked up to him and said hi.

I don't think men realise sometimes how damaging their actions can be. Not just to a friendship but to a person.

As I stood their and looked at him I realised I had changed. The old me would have been like
"Oh my God he flew all the way from naija to see me! Awww he must really care... Yada yada yada" and five minutes later I would have been on the bed in his hotel room, getting my Jenna on.

But the me of today just got so tired looking at him. Its hard to explain how I felt.

Me: You should have told me you were coming. I would have told you not to bother.
Bay: you're not happy to see me?
Me: I'm really not. You hurt me and just showing up isn't going to change the way you completely threw out any regard for me or my feelings.

When I start talking I keep talking. Standing in front of his rental car I explained to him how he hurt me. How much he disappointed me and how I didn't even think I ever wanted to speak to him again.

He really was shocked but all he had to say was
"I just flew to Canada to see you."

But he can afford it. He makes money in that strange way only Nigerian men can.

Apparently he's booked to stay for five days. Good thing he has friends here coz I'm not sure I'm going to see him again. He's gone to book a room at the hilton. Said he'd call when I've calmed down. Uh huh

I may be overreacting but I just cannot get over the fact that he thought it was okay to treat me the way he did.

A lot of it I guess is about how I have allowed myself to be treated in the past so I need to work that out within me. But he also needs to understand that it is not acceptable to deceive, ignore or under value another human.

I'm sad that our friendship will be lost over this but oh wells...

The world keep turning right?
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Armour

2009-07-16T13:47:00.001-07:00

So some of you will have noticed that I deleted a few entries. Because somebody will probably be reading this blog. Well not just one person and really I think there are things he/they are better off not knowing. Don't you?:)

So I was going through old entries and came across this. I feel like it somewhat applies so I'm reposting it. Enjoy :)

Oh & Roc... stop disappearing jo

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love----- Mother Teresa

No offense to Mother Teresa
But when you love till it hurts, there is hurt
And a whole lot more hurt
I've loved till it hurt
I've enjoyed love
The rush of blood through my veins
The butterflies in my stomach
The goose-bumps on my flesh
The willingness to give up my all and my everything

Thrown off my armour
Thinking the battle was over
Dropped my arms and ran out into the field
Naked and defenseless as the day I was born
And just like a child giving everything I had to give
Ignoring my fallen comrades
Not paying heed to their words
Advice given on their last breaths

Not realizing till it was too late
When I lay
Cut
Smashed
Tattered
A Mere shell of my former self
Not realizing
What those muted words were
A warning
Too late
"Its A False Illusion
An Ambush
Don't Give In"
Too late

So using my hurt and pain
I fashioned new armour
And new arms
Of the strongest material
Impenetrable
Unbreakable
Sharper than imagineable

But I've been broken
Cut
Tattered
So the armour I wear rubs against my wounds
Bruises me and makes me bleed more
The swords are too heavy for my weakend limbs
So you see
I have hurt myself doubly
By being stupid enough to discard my armour in the first place
And by fashioning myself new armour
So now all I will ever know is pain

Because I Adore Men...

2009-07-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

First.. I love you all blogsville. Thanks for the encouragement on my last post. You'll be glad (I hope) to know that my quiz on monday, presentation yesterday and essay today went great. Its funny how things look up when you decide to stop being a whiny little runt.

Okay on to today's post.

Three most annoying things I hate that women do all the time and then blame men for all their misfortune in life ( I do some too)-

3) Force men into relationships and then complain about the relationships not working out or the man being a less than ideal boyfriend: Here's a hint ladies, if a man has been sleeping with you for a while (months) and hasn't tried to make you his girlfriend, he doesn't want to date you. It's that simple. Giving him the whole "Where are we going with this?" speech is very unfair to men. He is probably thinking "Hopefully to the bed where you will shut the hell up" but he can't say that. Well some do and we know what they get. "Oh he's just an ass" "He just wanted to sleep with me" "I can't believe he used me"

er .. Y'hellooooooooo was he the only one rolling around in the hay?

You can't sleep your way into a man's heart. If you want a relationship with a dude then keep your legs closed and work on that. Expecting him to date you just because he sleeps with you is like expecting your Dr. to give you an orgasm just because he's looking at your hoo-ha.

2) Pretending to be the person you think he wants. Here's the thing, we all know that when we get with someone there are things about ourselves that we have to mold or change to accommodate them in our lives, but when you get to the point where you have to change your entire being in order to be with this person then perhaps you shouldn't be together. I see this all the time and I've been guilty of it. You try and become someone else because you feel like you have to be with this person and you have to constantly be on your guard because you don't want the real you to shine through. Its stressful, its difficult and its unfair to your partner. You begin to resent your partner because you feel he is making you be this person that you don't want to be but if you want to be honest with yourself you're the one who have created this mould that you feel you must fit into.

I'm tired of women doing this and after relationships fall apart, it becomes the guy's fault and women build up all this resentment and bitterness so the next guy who comes along has to deal with this inflexible woman. This woman who has now decide she won't bend a single thing about herself because she tried to do it th wrong way the first time and it didn't work. It isn't fair to the man you're with and it is unfair to the next man who will come your way.

AND MY NUMBER ONE ISSUE WITH WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT BEING LEFT UP!!!! My friend actually called me from the states to tell me that her fiance kept doing it and it was pissing her off. In my head I'm just like, so put it down? Like I've never understood why this is an issue between couples but i went online to my best friend, Google, and it is indeed an issue that breaks up marriages and causes tension within marriages.

Why is it so hard for women to reach out and put the toilet seat down? Are you a five year old that you cannot find a simple solution to your problem?

Okay let's look at it this way. Every time a man goes to the toilet, he needs to reach down and lift the toilet seat up to pee. It's annoying and it's stressful, especially when you think that a man pees standing so he has to bend and then straighten. Now lets think about what a woman has to do. On your way down to sit, use your hand to push the seat ahead of you. We all know it takes more energy to lift that it does to push something down.

I've never heard of a man complaining about a woman leaving the toilet seat down. Best believe if I was a guy I would...

Okay that's it. Just thought I should do something for the guys. Especially since people seem to think I hate men. I DON'T!! I love men. Well sometimes. lol

Strawberry kisses & Caviar Dreams people

Imoteda

F*** This

2009-07-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can do this.

And I just don't understand why not. People go through university and do their four years and graduate.Hell some people even do it in three years. And then go on to do their masters and even Phd (y I don't know). But I'm struggling to get through one bleeding Undergraduate degree. Not even a double major o. Or a major and a minor. One stupid degree that I haven't even declared yet.

I just cannot handle it. I get tired and frustrated and all the readings, and the essays, and the format, and the APA style and the MLA and ecosystems theories and anthropological approaches to the study of religion and the poverty in Canada and the feminization of poverty and the social work theories and ARGH!!!!!!!!

I just want to shoot myself.

And for what bloody purpose. To get a useless piece of paper that will hang and collect dust on the wall of some office I will rarely enter?

I cannot do it. I cannot focus. I cannot study. I cannot read, I cannot write. I'm failing because I cannot comprehend or remember what I've read.

I'm not stupid. I know I'm not. So why can I not just do this stupid university thing and get it over and done with. It's just so stressful. I get a headache trying to study.

Its just such a painful process for me and I just sit and think this cannot be that hard. Millions of people do it every year so why is it so difficult for me?

I'm tired of having this whole degree thing hanging over my head like a freaking guillotine.

I cannot deal with this.

I just can't

Housatlantavegas

2009-06-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

Bet you all thought I was M.I.A coz the baybay was around and I was busy doing cardio yea???

Er well actually no.

First I told him to come a week later than he intended coz of school stuff, then the guy messaged me today (he's supposed to be arriving tomorrow o) to tell me that he wants to come second week of July. Hiss. I was so annoyed. I decided in my infinite wisdom to tell him not to come again and sign out of yahoo before he could reply. Why oh why am I constantly cutting off my nose to spite my frigging face?

Aways let's hope he still comes.

In other news, school is kicking me hard. And I have no motivation to do work. Which is just a bad combination. Never will I take five courses again. And definitely not in the summer.

I NO LONGER HAVE FOLDS!!! lol. I know TMI but I just noticed the other day. I have no folds anymore. Good stuff. lol

Back on track financially. Things are still tight but there enough for a movie (Transformers anyone) and maybe a new weave. lol

RocNaija where you at? New post please.

I never paid much attention to the Drake hype but I downloaded some of his songs last week and I've been like repeating them non stop. Loving the dude

Song of the day

Housatlantavegas- Drake

Guess that's why you're supposed to look before you leap...

2009-06-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend on facebook about my weight loss. I've decided to focus mainly on going to the gym to help me lose weight. I will try and watch what I eat but I'm not sacrificing anything coz I love food way too much for that. Anyways my friend asked me what else I would sacrifice and told me I really should sacrifice something.

Immediately I started getting defensive and more than a little irritated. I basically snapped at him and told him to stop questioning my decisions. I'd made up my mind and that was that. He should just accept it.

A slight over-reaction to a simply suggestion no?

I just absolutely hate my decisions being argud with or questioned.

I'm not an unreasonable person. I'm not perfect nor do I think I am above critcism but something about having my decisions or opinions about things that only affect me being questioned just aggravates me.

And I know why. Its all thank to the ex/baby daddy.

Everytime someone questions my personal opinion or decisions I hear his voice in my head.

Telling me how unreasonable I am. How my opinion is stupid.

How can you this spanish is better to learn that french? Don't you know french is a more useful language? You are just stubborn and spoilt and selfish. You never listen to anyone but yourself. What do you mean by french is an ugly language? Says who? Explain to me what's ugly about it?

You always get your way. Well not today. Oh you fell and nearly miscarried? Serves you right. I told you to go to the gym and exercise. Watch next time it'll be worse. Well I've always said thats what I'm gonna name my child. You're so selfish. Why must we name the baby what you want? You always get your way. Well not today. That's just a stupid opinion. Don't say that outside. You'll just make people think you're ignorant. Don't you know you need to be able to explain your opinions. You can never explain anything when I ask you, so what makes you think you'll be able to explain to someone else. Let's face it, your body isn't that great. You need to exercise.

On and on and on and on it went for months and days and days and hours and hours. I was too spoilt, too selfish, too stubborn. I never made sense.

Just always chipping and chipping and chipping away at me. Everyday. Till it got to the point when I wouldn't call because I knew what was coming and I didn't want to hear it.

It was just so constant until it got to the point where I started to believe it, to believe that I was spoilt and I was stupid and I had no right to my own opinions. It got to the point that I let him convince me that I deserved to be in pain. That it was my fault that I developed a condition that 40% of pregnant women develop through no fault of their own. It was my fault that I was fat. I was lazy.

The last straw was when he sent me an email. A list of LAWS that I had to follow in order for our relationship to work.

He actually said and I quote:

"It is important that you view these points as law. As far as a relationship with me is concerned. You may not know what you want. But I have a very clear picture of exactly what I want and why I want it."

After I got that email I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I would be dealing with this for the rest of my life and it just would never work for me.

Sadly after that I've gottenback together with him and broken up with him and then tried to get back together with him.

But thankfully I've come to the point where I realise that anyone who would send this does not deserve me.

I'm actually going to post the email here. Because I think it will help somebody. No one should have to live with this kind of mental and emotional abuse.

It saddens me to think that I'm actually a statistic because if I want to be honest with myself. It was abuse and I dealt with it. Because I told myself I was in love with him. Because I let him convince me that not dealing with it was selfish. Because I let him make me believe that wanting my own and having my own opinions was stupid and spoilt.

And now I can't even take a simple suggestion with getting defensive.

If I had only stopped before leaping into that relationship, I would have seen the signs. And maybe avoided some pain.

But then I wouldn't have my daughter. And I cannot regret that.

The Email

2009-06-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in this post

Now that I understand the totality of the situation. I have had time to go through things in my mind.

Sometimes in life, certain attributes are taken for granted and despised. Yet if those qualities were not there; one would wish they were.

I’m going to be blunt. Your conclusions and interpretations are entirely up to you.

The purpose of this email is to help you with your analytical process. It has become very necessary for me to point out exactly where I stand. It is also important for you to have a full understanding of the situation on ground.

Ill start by drawing out two segments. If you want to be with me. If you don’t want to be with me.

The latter is rather straight forward. The first is a bit more complicated because it involves me.

Now if you want to be with me. This is what you are likely to expect/deliver/understand/agree with…..however you choose to interpret it within those contexts.

My first requirement would be that you read 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. Do not just read it; study it. You must have a full understanding of what the scripture is saying and you must be ready/willing to apply it in its entirety in your life with me.

You must know the reasons why you love me.

You must know the reasons why you want to marry me.

You must think about whether or not you were simply using me to get a child of your own.

You must think about whether or not you simply want to marry me in order to please your parents.

You must be in a relationship with me because you want to be. Not because you are afraid of being a single mother.

You must be prepared to be in an open relationship. Now it is important that I break this part down, so that you understand it fully and avoid any misconceptions. When I say open relationship; I mean the following:

· You must be open about your feelings.

This means that you tell me when you are angry.

You tell me when you are bored.

You tell me when you are happy.

You tell me when you are horny.

You tell me when you miss me.

You tell me when I do something to annoy you.

You tell me all your thoughts.

Your feelings.

Your emotions.

Everything that you can in order to express all that you feel in its entirety.

I can’t be in a relationship that is based on pretence.

· An open relationship means that I am not constantly wondering or trying to figure out what is wrong with you. I would already have an idea. Why? Because you would have told me.

· It means that you don’t tell your friends a fuller picture of yourself than you tell me. I don’t ever want to go to a friend of yours, in order to have a clearer picture of what is going on in your head.

· It means that you trust what I say because you know that I would always be telling you the truth.

· It means that you express yourself without being afraid of how I may react.

· It means that you express yourself even though you feel that showing me what you think would make me upset/angry.

· It means that you don’t hide anything from me. That includes secrets with friends/hiding feelings/ anything that falls within the same lines.

· It means that when you make a mistake or do something wrong. You acknowledge it.

· It means that you are capable of accepting criticism.

· It means that you will not be too proud to say that you are sorry.

· It means that you will accept an apology.

· It means that I am the first human person you come to when something goes wrong. Even if you feel that I may not be able to help out in the situation.

You must be ready to think about me and not yourself.

You must be prepared to analyze yourself all the time so that you are constantly seeking to be a better person. For your own benefit and for the benefit of the relationship.

You must be ready to seek and understand the importance of God and the bible to life.

You must be prepared to discuss spiritual issues with me.

You must be prepared to listen to my advice and opinions even though you do not necessarily accept them.

You will seek to have a clear understanding of my values. Even if you may not like or appreciate them.

You must understand that there is a fundamental difference between fathering and mothering.

You must realize that the father is head of the family unit. So certain situations require you to accept my decisions, without complaining about them.

You must be prepared to do some of the things that you don’t like to do.

You must be prepared to relinquish certain life styles and practices.

You must be prepared to be mature.

You must feel that you are ready to relinquish sex with any other man, for the rest of your life.

You must be willing to tolerate certain things.

You must be prepared to respect me.

You must care about what I think and about what I have to say.

You must be prepared to look at issues sensibly and not emotionally. .

It is important that you view these points as law. As far as a relationship with me is concerned. You may not know what you want. But I have a very clear picture of exactly what I want and why I want it.

However much you may not like the idea of a guy writing down rules for a relationship. This is what it has come to. I don’t want to play anymore games.

Now the second element. If you do not want to be with me.

Now if this is the case. I will accept it and deal with it as maturely as I can. What this means is that we will have to remain friends. Not necessarily because we would want to be. But because we don’t have a choice as we now have a daughter together.

I would need to be updated about how she is. And I will do my best to provide for her when I am under more suitable circumstances; which hopefully will be sometime in the near future.

I would rather be in a situation where I had contact with my daughter; without having to go through a court system. You can dignify me with at least that much.

This is basically all that I have to say. I feel I deserve better than this. With me there is no middle ground Imoteda. It’s all or nothing. So if you want to have a clear picture of what to look forward to. It’s all written down. Here; in this letter. This should make decision making easier for you. There will be no question of doubt on any issue concerning me and what to expect in a relationship with me.

Please think carefully about your decision. Once you have made up your mind. We will take things from there.

Seeing as I have kept in contact despite the agreement. You can extend the length of time if you feel the need to.

Thanks.

Kiss Your Way Into My Heart

2009-06-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love kissing. I can kiss for days straight. Hell I've kissed guys I didn't even like for the sake of kissing. I would honestly rather kiss than have sex. Really!!

Okay who the hell am I lying to? You can kiss while you have sex jo. LOL!!

So a few yrs ago I was getting hot and heavy with this guy. And I remember when we were kissing he would just stick his tongue right out and like stuff it in my mouth. Unfortunately this was a younger more tolerant me so I just made the best of it, ended up sucking on the damned thing all the while thinking....

"Is it a fucking popsicle?"

I was just laying here excited about Bay-Bay coming next week and I remembered that coz the first time we kissed he did that too and I was just like "WAIT! Put that thing back in your mouth!"

Poor guy was actually shocked. Apparently I was the first girl to ever call him out on it. We spent a good twenty minutes experimenting with different kissing styles. Apparently he likes the whole interlocking lips thing, which is good coz I've never understood french kissing. Too much saliva in my opinion. Though I'm sure I do it but you know that's when I'm deep deep into the moment.

SO My favorite kissing style is... Interlocking Lips/lip lock: Wow I can't explain it but basically your partners up or lower lip is between our lips and you just switch back and forth. Its so cute and high school. And intimate without you feeling violated. And I love biting on the lower lip or being bitten on the lower lip. Just not too hard. This one guy left me with a bruise. Sango strike him Please and Thank you

What's your favourite type of kiss blogsville?

Fake it till you make it.

2009-06-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

One thing we need to learn in life if we don't learn anything else is that every situation is different for everybody.

What does that have to do with today's post?

Absolutely nothing.

One of the most interesting things about me is my reaction to situations.
You could break my heart into a gabillion pieces and hurt me beyond belief and I would react with just a raised eyebrow.
I'm getting better at showing my feelings now but people still think I act like a carved hunk of stone. Especially JC.

The director at my beauty school remains till this day the only person to have ever made the connection between how I look and how I feel.

The worse my day is the more effort I put into my look. The day you bump into me early in the morning. All dressed up and my make up done, nails freshly painted and fly shoes on... You should probably avoid me till mid to late afternoon.

I woke up this morning ready to jump. So many stressors in my life. So got out of bed an hour early.
Showered, shaved, picked my blue wrap dress I haven't worn in ages. My black gladiators, did my make up nice and summery. Brushed my hair till that bad boy shone and bounced and then sashayed my way to school.

Numerous compliments and glances in the mirror later... I am now sitting out in the sun, smiling because I feel like smiling and actually looking forward to my day and study session.

I faked it till I made it.

Do you ever fake it till you make it blogville?

If you do let me know how
And if you don't, you should try it

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Quote of The Bleeping YEAR

2009-06-13T14:36:00.001-07:00

If you love him,
Set him free.
If he doesn't come Back,
He's probably with ME.

kjalfhpoudoihwjklhgpsiuohmfnspudh[owhefkjhs9hudfmwbfhw;kjnbhwd;fjnw,djfhk[ow8ijnefk.bw[hfn

That is my new world for I AM EFFING EXCITED!!!!!

My bay-bay is coming to visit me at the end of this month. OH GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm like dying here as in I want the end of the month to come quick quick quick.
I cannot waitttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!

Oh sorry the bay-bay is my "friend" that lives in naij. A very understanding "friend" who expects absolutely nothing from me and I expect the same from him. Which is why I was so shocked when he suggested he come visit. I was like "WHAT!!! Stop playing!!"

but he wasn't and I know he wasn't coz he sent his itinerary.
He comes at the end of this month. YES

This very month (said in a serious igbo accent)

As In I'm dancing.

Dance with me people.
Mama's gonna get a work out.

Bya

The con

2009-06-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

Was not my choice o. I did not end up there on purpose.

We were supposed to meet other people for lunch from their office. He told me it was going to start at four. Do I need a ride there? Sure why not.

Than he said there was a "surprise internal meeting" so he would be there at five. I said cool. Guy showed up at 5:30.

We get to the restaurant and the last of the people from his office are just leaving. Turns out the "dinner" was actually a lunch and they had assumed we weren't coming.

At this point guy goes "well we might as well have dinner since we're here"

There was no gracious was to decline. I was like meh, free meal why not?

So having thus conned me, we sat to eat.

This guy talked for an hour straight about himself. All his plans for naija. How he gets his company to pay his travel expenses. His children. His rich and powerful friends in naija. His family life. Living with his parents. His house he is building in naija. Yada yada yada yada... Just talking.

He would ask me a question, then proceed to talk over me.

IT WAS Horrible!!!!
I ate so fast I thought I was gonna choke. Escaped to the bathroom once and sent off a quick email.

Guy had the nerve to suggest a movie after dinner. Quickly grabbed on to my "I have to study excuse" and asked for a rain check.

When I got home I sent him a nice "I'm sorry but I don't like you" message.

He took it like a man then asked what was up with me and 37.

I told him the truth. Nothing, since that once hasn't spoken to me for a week.

Aways he was nice about it. I hope to never sit through another dinner with him. Thank you. He is so obsessed with himself.

Who was the guy? BJ
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Save me

2009-06-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

At the Keg right now. Hiding in the bathroom.
Suffering through the worst possible dinner a woman has ever been conned into having.

He is such a narcissistic individual. He has managed to talk about himself for an entire two hours.

Wow!

Update later
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

More randoms

2009-06-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was such a low day for me. I started feeling so lonely right after So You Think You Can Dance. I want to talk on the phone. Had no one to call. No one to chat with. Gee made me feel better for a few minutes but I still kinda felt alone.

I have two friends. Its quite sad. Ah wells. i wrote a long pitying blog yesterday but didn't post it.
I think my lack of friends explains why I blog all the time.

Aways... got my grades back- an A- and a B+. Can't be too sad about that jo.

So don't know what happened with 37 but he hasn't spoken to me since Saturday. Messaged him once. no reply. Ah wells. Just when I was getting really interested. There goes that.

Watched He's Just Not That Into You... So you know I'm feeling like ah wells you're not interested. Shame

I don't know why I've had this urge to kiss somebody. Like serious make out session. But I don't wanna have sex. Lol. everytime I think of having sex with a personal my vajayjay shudders and shuts down.

Why?

ahh long story involving baby daddy. Next post peoples.

So I have a mustache. A serious one. How has no one ever told me. I'm so mad!!! Waxing tomorrow. Fuck you very much to those who have been looking at it.

Song of the day- Walking on the moon The Dream & Kanye (tried to find the video but they all couldn't be embedded)

Rabbits foot and Monsters Under the bed

2009-06-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the advice peoples. I will indeed start a new blog and keep this one. Unfortunately I can't tell you what the new url is. Ah wells. Maybe you'll bump into it someday.

Been trying to work on my book tentatively titled "Rabbits foot and Monsters under the bed"/ "No Voodoo". Its supposed to be a book of short voodoo themed stories basically like my short story No Voodoo. I just can't get motivated enough for it yet though. Going to post up a few stories over the next few weeks. All feedback will be appreciated.

Been going to the gym o! In fact I was really thinking I looked better. People were even telling me self, until I got on the scale last night and I weighed 198 pounds. In my life!!! How have I gained a good 15 - 18 pounds since I started going to the gym?

My ideal weight is 145 - 150. But I'm less concerned with what I weigh than i am with how I look. To motivate me to lose weight I have come up with three rewards for myself.

1) For my birthday if I've lost enough weight I will buy that expensive designer dress and wear to my party. Man I am working towards it.

2) If by October my body is where I want it or close. (at least 30 pounds lighter) I will get my tattoo. I would get it not but it would look funny coz I'm still fat and I hate big tattoos on fat people.

3)If buy january I have lost my 50 -55 pounds I will go bald. I mean shave off my hair completely and start afresh.

So wish me luck people:)

Kiss kiss

Today's song- Pink: Please Don't Leave Me

(Suggestion noted Roc)

Back again, Anonymous?

2009-06-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

I HAVE MISSED YOU O!!!!

I actually wrote a blog yesterday but deleted it. 37 told me he was gonna read my blog and I freakeddddd. Not ready to unleash all that crazy on him yet.

So after I spoke to him I started thinking. So many anonymous blogs out there. Very few people actually use their "real" persona's. I get asked all the time why I put my business out there for everyone to read.

The main reason I started my blog was because people talk too much and I wanted all "rumors" about me to come from me. Now that I think back on it, maybe I should have just gone the anonymous route.

But its just not me, if I say something I need people to know I said it. If I write something I better get credit for it. For example three of my poems are floating around online on different websites by different people claiming they wrote them. It's so annoying.

But blogging under my real name makes it hard for me to be as honest as I would like to be. Somethings have to be edited incase my father accidentally comes across this. Or to protect people's feelings and reputations. Coz if I blog about something you can easily go to my facebook or something and figure out who it's about.

I'm thinking of starting an anonymous blog. One where I can be completely free and completely me. But then I'd feel weird because it isn't like me to hide from things (Well except my feelings or my debt collectors)

Ah wells... help me out. What should I do?:(

Random aside- its so hard for me to listen to Chris Brown's songs now. Even the one's I like. Ever since that Rihanna thing. Same with Akon. Ever since he raped that girl on stage. I cannot listen to a lot of his songs. Sigh

Today's song- Young Girl- Skateboad P (Pharrell jo)

Break time.

2009-06-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

Just saw a woman with huge 34DD type knockers running without a bra. Ew

Okay dear blogville. I have to take a week long break from you.

I know you will miss my daily, sometimes twice a day, perhaps three times even blogging. Y'all had better. But I have ignored school and now have an assignment, a quiz, group presentation and a mid term exam hanging over my head.

Pray for me peoples!!!

Bj called me last night to TELL me that he was coming to pick me up and I would stay over at his house and cook him breakfast.

Er excuse me negro???? Who exactly do you think you are? Don't let me break out the ghetto on you now.

Dude had the nerve to be shocked that I said NO!!. Hiss

May lightning strike him. Please and thank you!

Meanwhile 37 bbed me to ask how come I haven't bbed him since? Uhm because you didn't message me buddy. Shall I chase you. You're either busy or playing games. I do not have your energy jo.

Ah wells.

Quote of the day- He said " Hi, my name is MAN and I shall be your destruction!"

Still on my timbaland and fall out boy tip. Lol

Have a blessed week people. See you next monday!

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Remember... Beauty hurts.

2009-06-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

Went to the gym. Trainer wanted to kill me. As in my legs are weak. In bed trying to sleep it off. Remind me why I'm doing this. I'm not fat am I?

Highlight of my day - Sale at Bonnie Togs on Osh Kosh B'gosh for girls.

Worst part of my day? Too broke to buy my daughter anything. Even with the sale. Sigh. Lol

Thank you all for reading, following and commenting on my blog.
You are appreciated.

37 is flipping the script. Playing hard to get and I know it. Someone needs to inform home boy that the days of Imoteda stressing over men are over. Plenty fish in the sea.

Song of the day. One and only- Timbaland & Fall Out Boy

Kisses

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Space- The Final Frontier

2009-05-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Just saw Star Trek Yo!!! Awesome movie!!!
I'm not a huge star trek fan. Don't even recall seeing any episodes. But this movie almost makes me regret not seeing any. Almost.

Its just the greatest combination of thrill and comedy. So so good.

I love it. If you haven't seen it see it.

Also I realise my blogs are ridiculously long. So from now on I'm going to try and write shorter blogs.

Bye people.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Aggro is so evil... Strip club nights

2009-05-31T07:10:00.000-07:00

Aggro is evil. As in really. That's all I'm saying on that.

Yesterday my girl called and saved me from another long boring night in my house. She suggested we head to a local strip club. I didn't even let her finish. As soon as she said "strip" I had jumped and shouted yes. Honestly anything would be better than sitting my behind at home.

So I get dressed they come pick me and off we are to Roxxane's. All in all it was a pretty fun night. The first few girls that came out were oyinbo. No breast no nyash no real dancing skills. I was just like ehnhen? Is that it? I thought the pole was meant for dancing and showing of skezy acrobatics, apparently not for everyone.

Then this black girl Onyx can on stage. IN MY LIFE!!!!! See as she worked that poleee. She climbed to the top and fell down into a split. FROM THE TOP OF THE POLE TO THE GROUND!!! Razz naija chick like me I shouted " she will break her chocha o!" But really. The girl was on point. Back flips swinging upside down from the top of the pole. Holding herself horizontally on the pole. Her upper body strength was a different case.

My girlfriend decided to get a lap dance from this chick with super big and definitely super fake boobs. Poor child was soo uncomfortable. See how she sat so stiff for the entire performance. Me I didn't know where to look. Really a girl fully naked right beside you is awkward. Its okay if she's on stage but boobs and chocha right in my face? I guess I'm not longer curious. I'm definitely not bisexual.

Aways. Was a fun night all in all. And their wings were insanely good. I may go back just for that lol.

So my friends this guy I tried to cut out of my life messaged me yesterday and he was just so sweet and "seemed devastated" that I didn't want him anymore. Before I knew it I was saying "baby its not like that". I mean I like the dude but there are so many commas with him. He is 39, he is in a "situation" he cannot get out of well except he divorces his wife. You see the comma. We haven't done anything but erm he wants to come visit. I had to put my foot down on that one. If he walks through my doors there will be no guarantee that I will continue to restrain myself.
I think its so unfair, married men should not be great guys. I know you're thinking if he's married and chasing you then he's a dog. You're right but I didn't know he was married when we first started talking and I cannot just turn it off like that now. I tried to avoid him but obv that didn't work. I've now blocked and deleted him from msn, yahoo and bb. Maybe I should change my number so he can't call???

Oh help. I swear its true what they say. All you have to do to get a man is get a man. As soon as I started being interested in 37, MM (married man), Ey (rando dude), Mike (rando oyinbo dude) and Bj are on my case.

By the way I'm sitting beside my computer but sending this from my phone.

Just coz I can.
Have a beautiful day people.

Ten second epic is my music for the day
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Rando-37, BJ, my bi-sexuality & the gym

2009-05-30T11:34:00.001-07:00

So my "best friend" told my baby daddy that I was bi-sexual. Thunder strike her. Please and thank you. Even if I was why would you run behind my back and tell the father of my child? If i hadn't told him myself obv he is not meant to know.

Not bi-sexual. Have been curious. But er I happen to like external appendages on men. Thank you very much.

Went to a friends birthday. Re-met one of said friend's friends. HE had tried talking to me before but this was when I was going to school 9-4 mon - fri. Working weekends and taking care of my daughter. No chance of me giving him face. Call him 37 because well he is 37. Duh. Nice nice guy. Sweet. Has two kids. One 5, one 14. Can you spell D-R-A-M-A. He's not the greatest looking guy in the world. But he is dark and tall. Tall and dark makes me happy. Trying to figure out if I should just go for it and hope for the best. Been postponing actually committing to going out with him. Dragging my feet. Don't know why. But I always wanna talk to him. Guess that's a good sign.

Bj- 37's acquaintance. Also has two girls. (Why am i attracting all the single fathers? Not that I'm complaining. Just wondering if I have baby mama written on my fore head). This one is 40. I'm worried. But he has stated his intentions very very clearly. He's looking for the forever and ever type of ish. he is tired of the game. Blah blah blah. The fact that he has already mentioned settling down worried me. I'm convinced he will dog me out. He's also very very far from my type. Spent an entire night talking about himself and extolling his own virtues. I've dealt with baby daddy and his admiration of his own "perfectness". Not trying to end up with another narcissist.

I'm 22. Both these guys are significantly older than I am. But I am more attracted to 37 than I am to most guys closer in age to me. I've always liked older guys. But this one is much.

Oh wells. We shall see what happens with 37. Honestly don't think Bj has a chance.

Started going to the gym again. My trainer is harsh. I'm in PAIN!!! But I'm kinda happy that I've finally started doing something about my health and weight.

Listening to Feist. The reminder and Let it die. Great Albums. Love her.

Oh yea my mobile blogging works. Seventeen posts a day i tell you. lol

Testing my mobile blogging

2009-05-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

For someone who's family is so technologically advanced I'm way behind.

So I'm checking this to see if it works.

If it works I will be updating my blog a million times a day. Seriously
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Girls don't like nice guys

2009-05-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

LIES!!!!

I'm getting tired of seeing the whole "Nice guys finish last" quote everywhere. Whoever started spreading this needs to be shot.

Girls like nice guys, girls just don't like wimps.

I'll give you a perfect example. I had a friend for about seven years. The nicest guy in the world. He was sweet, he was attentive and if I ever needed anything in this life he would be there for me. The guy offered me a kidney when I was scared I needed a new one. Like really really nice guy. After we've been friends for six years, I'm talking to him on the phone complaining about my baby daddy and this dude blows up in my face. Yelling about how he has always been there and I've been dating all these assholes and why didn't I ever look at him like that and he refuses to be my counsellor and I should go deal with my issues on my own.

I'm sitting there staring at my cell phone like "WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?!?!"

He hung up and I literally sat there staring at the air like... "HUH!"

So I called him back and warned him about yelling at me and ask him to answer a few questions for me...

1) Did you ever tell me you felt anyway other than friendly about me?

Ans- No

2) Did you ever try to kiss me and I pushed you away?

Ans- No

3) Did you ever tell me when I was going to date these "assholes" that I shouldn't??

Ans- No

4) After every break up did you or did you not sit with me and console me?

Ans- Yes

5) In all the years you've known me have I shown any signs of being psychic?

Ans- er what does that have to do with anything?

No explain to me how a girl is supposed to know that you are trying to be more than friends when you act like her girlfriend?

Unlike men women don't think it is impossible for a guy and a girl to just be friends. If we are friends you need to show me that there is the possibility of us being more than friends. If you decide that being there is enough then eventually we are going to accept that you will always be there and leave it at that. Really if after two years of being "friends" you haven't made a single move I assume you are absolutely uninterested in me.

There's taking it slow and then there's just plain retarded. Six years is retarded.

I think it is just unfair to move like a glacier and then label girls as wanting bad boys or not appreciating nice guys. Most girls are socialized to take a back seat when it comes to approaching men and to wait to be approached. If it so happens that all the "nice" guys take their time and the "bad" guys are the ones who come up to talk to us is it any wonder that girls end up dating the bad guys? We cannot date you if you don't let it be known that you are interested in us in that way.

That being said, I have dated nice guys, not a lot of them but I have. And these were actual nice guys, considerate, caring, loving, blah blah blah the whole nine yards. Nice guys, not mugus. They wouldn't let me walk all over them or listen to me whine about other men, because they were men. They knew what they wanted and went for it. They didn't have to cheat or lie or deceive me because they had their ish together. They laid down the law without trying to intimidate or over power me. They respected themselves and I had no choice but to respect them because of it. They were genuinely nice people. Not perfect but nice.

You're probably wondering why I didn't hold on to these nice guys right? Well one died (R.I.P J) and one I chased away with my stupid immaturity being young and foolish and insecure I was convinced he wasn't being honest. Sigh the trials of youth.

But yea my point is, there is a difference between being a nice guy and being a mugu. All of you boys whining about how nice guys finish last, I hate to say this but chances are... you are a MUGU!!!

Getting Late

2009-05-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

It's getting late

I'm wondering why you're still here

Searching for the words to tell you to leave

Unable to articulate the need that makes me want to pull you closer

I know I should be opening the door

Stepping out to the hall way

Leading you down the stairs

Out the front door

To your car

Away from this queen size bed

Away from the heat radiating from my very core

I should be moving your hand

Away from the curve of my hip

Moving my eyes away from the plumpness of your lower lip

Should be moving my hand

Away from the firmness of your chest

Where my fingers are drawing circles and squiggles

I shouldn't be doing this

Shouldn't be leaning into you

Tasting the chocolate skin on the side of your neck

Licking the dip in your collarbone

Biting on your earlobe

You shouldn't be kissing my shoulder

Running your hands down my back

Reaching for that forbidden spot

I know I want the physical

But you

You want that and more

Its getting late

You can't be here no more

I'd give up chocolate but I'm no quitter...

2009-05-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

... that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh people of the blogger world. I thought I was ready to make the change but I wasn't. I shall stick to the devil I know and ignore the angel I don't.

Today my date with the oyinbo boy finally happened. Actually it wasn't a date. I refuse to call it that. My event with the oyinbo boy finally happened.

As of last night I had decided that I wasn't even going to go out with him. I've been tired of men and didn't want to add stress. But my friend JC (Jaded Cynic) made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to date. So me and my big head agreed to go see a movie with oyinbo boy when he text me.

To his credit it wasn't exactly a planned thing. We were texting and then he says he wants to see Terminator. Im like yea cool I wanna see that too. So he's like cool I''ll come pick you up and we can go see it together. I'm like yea good plan.

So I go meet him. As soon as he gets up to me (no hug no handshake no nada) he says oh by the way my friend is in the car.

I'm like huh??? Friend ke?

Lo and behold he has a friend sitting in the front seat of the car.

So I spend the ride to the oh-so-ghetto cinema making awkward conversation with him and his friend. Its just weird. I'm talking to the friend more than I am to him.

So we get to the cinema and this fool just looks at me when we are at the counter. Apparently he and his friend had bought their tickets before they came to get me. Obviously I was a last minute addition to this plan. Please explain to me why he asked me out if he knew he was seeing the movie with a friend? Did I tell him I would die if I didn't see terminator tonight?

Anyways he stands there looking till i finally pull out my wallet and pay the five dollars for the movie ticket. (homie couldn't pay $5 for me to see movie) Sigh

Anyways movie passes in uncomfortable (at least for me) silence. I absolutely hated the movie too. It was too loud and I couldn't focus coz the screen had all these static lines and I was too busy being uncomfortable and wishing I could just go home.

So after the movie he is driving me home with his friend still in the car. The friend is talking to me asking me about movies basically being nice and engaging me while this dude is fiddling with the radio. And then this conversation ensues:

Friend: So Imoteda you should text me sometime

Imoteda: Errr..... okay???

Friend: Yea that'll be nice

Imoted: Errr... okay???

Oyinbo boy: Well you should get her number

Imoteda: Errr.... okay???

Fiend: Yea I should give you my number actually... that'll make it easr for you to text me (laughs)

Imoteda: Errr.. okay???

Fiend: K my number is.. 519 999 9999

Imoteda: Errr. okay???

EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!?!?! Did I just totally get pawned off???? Like really????

In my life. I nearly flew out of the car when I got home. I hope to hear from neither of them ever ever ever again.

Sticking to my black men from now on thank you. At least I know what to expect from them.

Though it wasn't a bad day all in all... finally saw Wolverine. Ah too many sexy men in that movie.. too many. Ryan Reynolds should have had a larger role tough... before he was changed.

And I saw COMMON!!! Ah fine boy. In the movie people not real life. If I had known he was in Terminator I would have seen it long ago and tonight would have been avoided.

K That's it for tonight

Sweet dreams peoples

Honey Dew Melon Kisses

2009-05-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

Sweet honeydew melon lips

Soft like feather pillows

Taste like sweet sweet french vanilla kisses

Like honey dip and raspberry truffle

Hot like texas on a summers day

Like Dubai at high noon

Like the apex of my thighs when I'm in your arms

Melting like wax on a candle

When the flames lick

Like when you lick my nipple

Flicking it with your fingers

Lightly grazing it with your teeth

Beautiful like the first spring rose

Like Maxwell crooning in my ears

About his fortune at finding that special woman

Like when you whisper in my ear

How exquisite I am in all my plus size glory

Pain when you invade me

In all your "plus size" glory

Because there is nothing average about you down there

Pain like the pain that fastens itself around my heart

Around my head and my soul

Pain because while I'm putting my heart into all I do

Pain because you take only my body and refuse everything else

That I willingly give

Update

2009-05-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

Okay so my date with my oyinbo boy did not exactly occur.

I went to toronto for the weekend. Extreme fun times by the way. My friend had a 20s theme birthday party. Not everyone did the theme but it was still loadsa fun.

Anyways by yesterday afternoon i was just exhausted (y'all know Imoteda's getting hell old... can't keep up no more). So I called White boy and told him we'd have to reschedule. HE didn't seem to sad by the news though. I think I'm worried. Lol

In other news. My money management skills are officially retarded. I need help . Anyone know a class, a good financial adviser, any tricks and techniques I can use? Let me know please!!!!

Also I have two essays due this week and I have started... NEITHER. Pray for me.

My brother, sister and cousin are back in the house. Woo hoo. Full house. Fun stuff.

Okay that's it. Might re-schedule the date for tonight. Will let you know how that goes.

Stay beautiful people

Oh and to you Mr. BD- You can keep your girl with her pay-less shoes and her even Pay-less cleavage. I wish her luck. She'll need it

Confusing

2009-05-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm little confused bout this little dude who has been around for a minute.

Let's call him.... Maths

So Maths and I met through a friend of mine. So yea we met like five years ago. And we talked for a bit. But it was long distance. Dude was halfway across the country. But it was really flirty talking. Aways he got a girl, I got a man, a baby etc and we drifted for a bit.

He moved down closer to me and we started talking again. I lived in the same city as him for a bit and while I was there we had a "cuddle buddy" thing going on occasionally. You know once in a while I would go over and we would just chill. Never had sex or kissed or anything. Engaged in a few activities that maybe were helpful to him. Made no difference to me but her. Let him be satisfied it was just fun to not sleep alone once in a while.

Anyways so I went off to Nigeria. He came home at christmas. Talking a whole lot. We never really got time to spend together. He wanted to get down, We both had too many people in ou rhouses and I was working.. sha sha sha you get. combination of facgtors made it impossible.

So after he left i sent him a message and was like you know

"sup... how you been ...see you when i get back... better not forget me blah blah blah"

The NUCCA had the nerve to send me this back

Hey Hun,

U scared me for a sec LOL
I never Kano u oh, just been real busy hun.

Ah, omo it's a long wait, and unfortunately I don find one nice mamasita, however I did , will always enjoy our interesting sleep overs hehe.

If I'm ever single again, I'll be hollaing. Hehe

What the heck?

Him and who?

boy was I mad when I read that message.

Like Homie who did heck are you?

If I'm ever single again I will be hollaring?

He he?

Boy if I?

Anyways at this point I was working 12 hours a day and taking care of my daughter so I really didn't have the time to deal with his bullshit.

But when i got back and I got to think. Why the heck did he even think that was appropriate?

So I messaged him and just asked "what did you mean by that and why was it you thought it was appropriate?"

He goes "See I knew you were offended. I didn't mean i that way I was joking. You know I respect you. Blah blah blah..."

Anyways he apologized and I let it go.

I wasn't mad anymore I just didn't really care anymore.

But ever since then he has been acting all strange and somewhat friendly

But he's been speaking to me funny. In very strange language. Lol. All formal and stuff.

A part of me feels like he's afraid to say something that will offend me so he keeps saying things like

"I will pray for you to achieve your dreams"

"I respect and value the home you from which you come"

"I feel like you are someone who will be in my life for a long time and I really appreciate your presence"

I'm getting slightly freaked out and a little worried.

I know its probably not a big deal but when people suddenly and drastically change the way they approach me it worries me.

They are either have really good intentions or really bad intentions.

So i guess I'm just worried that Maths either has good intentions or bad intentions for me.

And truth of it is I don't want him to have any intentions. I just want to be normal.

Jungle Fever

2009-05-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yes o... you read right.

Jungle fever. I have caught it. LOL

I went to do my hair and eyebrows today. After the hair I was outside the salon texting and this guy walks up to me and starts making conversation.

I looked up and lo and behold. A caucasian male. (white, oyinbo)

The fact that I had to look up to see his face already made me happy. I like my men tall. Brown hair. I have a weak spot for brunettes (really who wants a blonde man?). Nice smile, nice eyebrows, brown eyes *sigh*.

Not drop dead gorgeous but easy on the eyes.

Despite the looks I had already started planning my rejection in my head but then I said "Wait! Think about it!" So I did and I decided to at least give him a try.

Refused to give him my number but took his.

Sent him a text. He text me back. Text back and forth for a little while

He called me tonight and....

WE HAVE A DATE!!!

He sounds smart, witty, funny... so why the heck not?

So come sunday we shall be going to a nice public, hopefully very crowded area ( I can't be too safe o, if I scream somebody must be around to hear it)

I'm actually looking forward it. Possibly because I rarely ever go on proper dates.

Nigerian guys just don't roll like that apparently.

Anyways so sunday night

I shall be giving you details of the date... tee hee

Feel Good Song of the Day: Black or white MJ

Oh Lio

2009-05-21T22:52:00.001-07:00

We were at a meeting one afternoon and his cousin was annoying the life out of me.

I yelled so loud "LIO!!! Stop it!!". That's his name. Not his cousin's.

That was the day I accepted that he was on my mind way too often.

We were consistently arguing, about God, about weight, about life

We could argue for hours neither of us wanting to give the other any ground.

I thought he was about the cutest thing I ever saw.

He hated rock music.

I sent him a rock mix. Told him to listen to four of the songs

They held a message for him

I had no message

I just wanted him to listen to rock music for a little while

And then I felt foolish after so I refused to tell him why I had sent him the cd.

The things you do when you're 16 and falling in love

I remember when he kissed me the first time

I really thought I was going to die.

Its funny

That is the only first kiss I remember so clearly

So vividly, like it was five minutes ago

I felt like we were kissing for hours

I have no idea how long it was

I just know his cousins interrupted us.

It really was a shame.

I could have stood like that forever

Frozen in that moment

He was so funny

So great

We would talk for hours on the phone

Just going back and forth

The first time I told him I loved him

It was a joke

Lio: So do you like me

Imoteda: Like you how?

Lio: Like puffy loves j.lo

Imoteda: Oh I don't think puffy really loves j.lo, he loves her butt

Lio: Like Jay Z likes Beyonce

Imoteda: Oh that just publicity

Lio: OooOOOoooo. Do you like me jo?

Imoteda: No..... I'm dangerously in love with you

I meant it as a joke. It was meant to be corny and silly

But he took me seriously. There was no easy way to take it back

But I guess I meant to say it. I just didn't want to say it in a way that could be rejected.

I still laugh about that. But he said he loved me too

And it was all good

Oh so many memories

That one fateful day we decided it was time to take the next step

I was NERVOUS. Could not stop sweating for the life of me.

I was out of breath from sitting down

I so wasn't ready for it

But I thought I was

And he wanted it

And I wanted it because he wanted it

So we tried

I said "I don't want to get pregnant" (HA! what a laugh that is now)

He had a condom

That he proceeded to NOT put on

Between that and the extreme pain I felt when he tried

I was just not feeling it

We tried swtiching positions

And then my body betrayed me

Just shut down

Refused

That much pain and the possibility or being pregnant at 17?

It was not happening

So I made up some lie

Some excuse about not knowing him well enough

I wasn't comfortable

Now I think maybe if I had just told him

"Look dude it hurts so take it easy and er please wrap it up. That condom isn't helping me under your pillow"

If i had said that, maybe some things would have turned out different.

But then, probably not...

I had a pool party.

Some girl picked him up after

We were supposed to meet up

I went out and waited for him

He called me and gave me some excuse about having a stomach ache

Absolute rubbish

Joked about having swallowed too much of my lip gloss

I was so mad

But I let it go

Didn't want any drama

Oh the things I let this boy get away with...

The things I let him get away with

I should have realized

That far away summer was paving the road

For the years of pain humiliation and damn embarrassment that would follow

*Lio is my first "boyfriend". Well as much of a boyfriend as one can have at 16/17*

**so I'm sleepy and tired of typing. So I'm ending here**

*** I may continue in the future but don't count on it***

****Lio is not his real name by the way.****

Think

2009-05-18T22:54:00.001-07:00

It’s almost funny the things you find out about yourself when pushed.

Its funny how many things I’m learning about myself this year.

Baby daddy once said to me “You enjoy being the victim.”

I was so mad when he said that

But looking back at it I realize how right he was.

Maybe not in the context he put it but he was still right to some extent.

I do enjoy being a victim, how else do you explain my countless bad decisions?

Its funny how the minute you decide not to be that person anymore, you’re not.

I look back on it and frankly if I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, used and abused in the past, it’s all been my fault.

And I guess that’s what made me so bitter and angry.

Its hard to look in the mirror and admit that you have single handedly f***ed up your life.

It’s frustrating to realize that there are so many things that happened, so many situations that could have been avoided had I only made a different decision.

I used to excuse my behaviour.

“I’m human”

“I have needs”

“I have desires”

“I want to”

and my all time favourite.

“Im impulsive”

How are these excuses to make stupid decisions?

Hearing people say they are impulsive frustrates the life out of me now. I feel like I’m watching people make my mistakes and I feel like screaming.

Do you not learn from other?

Being impulsive was such a bad excuse for my bad behaviour

Children are allowed to be impulsive

They don’t know better.

I’m an adult and I should think like one

Immediate gratification should not be my goal.

I should be looking to and beyond the finish line.

It may be a little late but I think I’m learning.

Little things, that make me so proud

Breaking it off with that completely unsuitable man

I did it and not once have I messaged, called, bbed him… nothing

Maybe sometimes I want to but now I can actually think

Refusing to let that other guy come over.

Why rock the boat?

I can’t slip trip and fall on his D*** if he ain’t here can I?

My troubles always centre around men

And my weakness for them

So I’m learning

To avoid those who can cause me trouble

And to keep those I think won’t at arms length

Can’t be too safe now can we?

All in all

I’m learning that I’m not a slave

Not to my body

Not to their bodies

Not to my will

Not to anyone’s will

I have no excuses for bad decisions

I’m learning to **THINK**

I’m learning….

A new dawn....

2009-05-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Last monday I woke up broken hearted

On wednesday i woke up heavy hearted

Friday I woke up saddened

Sunday I woke up lost

Today I woke up tired

Tonight I lay in my bed

Wondering how long I would continue to lay blame

How long I would wait

Wait for something to happen

My fairy Godmother with her wand

My prince charming on his horse

My manna from heaven

Wait to be saved from me

My choices

My creations

My decisions

Tonight I lay in my bed and let it all come back

Remind myself of everything

I remembered sweet kisses

I remembered whispered nothings

I remembered loud fights

I remembered passionate make up

I remembered teasing laughs

I remembered play fights

Remembered lazy days

Remembered high days

Remembered love making

Remembered gentle caresses

Remembered careless words

Remembered old hurts

Remembered the pain of child birth

Remembered the aloneness I felt

Remembered the agony

Remembered the missing yous

Remembered the love yous

Remembered dropping out of school

Remembered the weight gain

Remembered the disappointment from my parents

Remembered my absolute inability

Remembered all the joy

Remembered all the pain

Remembered everything in between

Tonight I stopped running from the pain

Tonight I refuse to lay blame

Not on him

Not on any of them

Not on myself

Tonight I simply let it go

Tonight I face my pain

My fears

My sorrows

My hopes

My dreams

My ambitions

My future

Tonight I take myself into my hands

And I begin to work towards a better

A brighter

A more meaningful tomorrow

Tonight I sleep

I sleep with a new resolve

I sleep with a new fire

I sleep with a lightened heart

Tonight I begin to truly live my life

As I want it

Tonight I find my way back

To the person I am

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Riz ft Sauce Kid- Flex

2009-05-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know why people have forgotten this song...

I don't know why but I absolutely love it...

Happier Days...

2009-05-17T23:14:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you get ridiculously sad and the strangest thing brings a smile to your face

I found an email I sent to my brother in 2003. I had met a guy, a god guy, a great guy. He would really like him.

I met him working for Skye Bank (then Prudent) teen link magazine.

We argued like dogs and cats

I liked him

I was also 16 so I was sending mixed messages up and down.

I'm not sure if you can call what we did dating

But we did something

I told him I loved him.

First person I ever told that to.

I meant it with all my heart at that point

A part of me still means it.

It funny how badly he has hurt me

And even though he will never show it

I know I've hurt him too

I don't talk to him anymore

Don't particularly want to

But He changed my life in ways he will never understand.

Opened my eyes to the harsh realities of men I guess.

I technically should hate him

But I don't

He's still the best kiss I've ever had...oooh Fire

Getting Back In My Groove...

2009-05-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

So it's a little hard for me to blog right now after not doing it for so long but I'm trying to get back in the habit.

So I was in Nigeria for a little bit and now I'm back in Canada. TO STAY!!! I love this country. Nothing like driving five hours in traffic to and from your 9-5 well 8:30-6 in my case to make you really understand how much you enjoy being a student.

I'm finishing up my degree so back doing the school thing. Taking five courses this term (please pray for me people)

It occurred to me rather belatedly that this is a bad time to return to blogging. My life is absolutely boring at the moment.

I've been trying to surround myself with positives and avoid less drama in my life coz I woke up one day and decided that it was just getting extreme. The worst of it is most of this drama isn't even my drama. Its so weird. So i got on facebook and started deleting people who added too much drama to my life So if you have been deleted I apologize. i have nothing against you but either there was drama around you or someone you are connected to is giving me drama.

Anyways.... speaking of drama, remember my friend Oyinbo Lover? If you don't go and check my posts from the beginning of 2008. So while I was in Nigeria this Oyinbo Lover was messaging me once in a while and talking about all this stuff that would supposedly happen when I got back to Canada. and me being me I played along because really i was bored. So he was having a "thing" with this chick I know before I left for naija. When I asked him about her he said and i quote:

"I don't want no diseases. She sleeps around too much"

Er okay good enough reason to me I thought. I get back to the country and meet up with the chick and men its such a different story. The boy is crazy, coo coo, insane in the membrane. Needy and bad in bed. Such a terrible combination. Turns out the girl cut him loose when he was doing nothing for her and talking bad about her once in a while. Why must boys lie? He has a new girlfriend, I wish her luck. Well from what I hear about her they both need plenty luck.

So I bump into him at a club. He starts asking where I'm staying. I tell him I'm staying with a friend who happens to live in his building. He pretends not to know what building I'm talking about. Then he asks me if I want to come over. I ask "What about Licious (His girlfriend whose name has obv been changed)?

Who?

Licious now. Your girlfriend

Licious? Who is Licious?

Your GIRL-FRIEND homie

I don't know any Licious

Dude straight up DENIED the chick. Didn't even think twice

I just said okay and walked away. Freakin guy

Three days later he calls me and says "Oh you know I was just joking about not knowing Licious"

THREE-3-TRES days later. He probably guessed I was going to blog about it

Boys are so silly.

Anyways, dry gist but it's the best I can do. Hope for drama to come my way and I'll fill you in on it.

Email me your questions about make up, shoes, clothes, boys, life me.. blah blah blah. I'm picking one a week to answer. imoteda@imoteda.com holla at me.

Feel good song of the week: Most Girls -Pink Listen and feel good.

Blame it on me

2009-05-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

Chrisette Michelle is back with another- AH-MAE-ZANG album.

Epiphany- Im sure you've all heard the first solo off that album also

titled Epiphany. The girl is serious.

And this is like my favourite song on the album

Like really and honestly this song has been SPEAKING to me.

This is exactly how I feel right now.

After all the drama, all the beef, all the tears,

all the stress that I've been through the past few years...

I am ready and willing to accept blame

for everything that has gone wrong.

I will accept that I did wrong, it was all my fault,

I was the one who made things fail.

I will accept every accusation and insult and torment.

I don't care anymore.

Blame it on me.

Just as long as you end it with goodbye and leave me be

My personal opinion on abortion

2009-05-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

Comments Made On My Blog

2009-05-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

Hello Hello

Okay so i don't expect people to agree with my point of view at all times. I don't expect everyone to take my advice, like what I say or even care what I say.

I do appreciate people who take their time to comment on my blog but I have no interest in being insulted or being attacked by people who refuse to put a face behind their words. I may have "idiotically ignorant" points in some of my blogs or I may be a "judgmental old cow" (thanks guys by the way) but at least I can stand behind these.

Using phrases like the ones above and commenting anonymously is just in my judgmental ignorant opinion just plain cowardly.

So all ridiculous and negative comments that are posted by anonymous persons have been and will be deleted.

Insult me... but don't hide and do it.

Kisses

Imoteda

We adore these babies...

2009-05-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Melody Ehsani- An L.A based designer with wonderfully bold uber sexy kicks at pretty affordable prices... only two or three weeks worth of my grocery money. And frankly food is over rated. Really! it's not like I need it. check out more shoes and her accessories at : www.melodyehsani.com . Enjoy Peoples

Camilla Skovgaard- sigh... I don't even know the history but er. I AM DYING. All out of my price range.. all super edgy super sexy super made-for-imoteda-to-love-and-adore-and-take-care-of-after-a-darling-friend-purchases-them-for-her

Oh gosh... I'm in loveeeeee

you cannot not love theseeee.. Camilla Skovgaard

And Now for the affordable ones for those of you who don't want to do without food:)

Sure there are some Dior knock offs but the fact is Bakers Shoes Online has hot shoes at great prices. visit them at www.bakersshoes.com

Happy Shoe Obsessing Peoples

Kisses

Imoteda

I Am A Make Up Artist Right????

2009-05-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

Okay So I realize that I have been sooo terrible with my blogging for the past year or so. I've probably lost what little followers I had. Such a Shame

But its a new term a new beginning and I plan to win everyone back plus get some new. So watch this page y'all. Watch it.

Okay so I'm a make up artist. I live, breathe, dream , sleep, eat, think and of-course wear make up. So why do I find it so hard to blog about it?

Not anymore though.

I will be filling you in on tips on purchasing make up products, make up application and so much more. If you look on my side bar you will see a little section called Fave make up products. This will probably change weekly or so coz if I just keep adding my fave make up products the line will stretch from here to never never land. Seriously. There are soo many great products out there and I generally buy three or so make up products a week so I'm constantly testing out new things. I'm going to try and help you buy better, smarter and way cheaper.

So for today I'm going to pick a few products that I absolutely love and just talk about them a little.

People constantly ask me why good make up is so expensive. Make up doesn't have to be expensive. Yes some product lines are extremely pricey but that doesn't mean that all their products are good now does it? Here are a few products that won't break your bank's heart but will still leave you looking fabulous.

Maybelline Mineral Power Liquid foundation - $14.50 (Shoppers Drug Mart)

It's a lightweight formula that provides great coverage without that heavy cakey feeling you sometimes get with other full coverage foundations. I've used this product everyday for the past eight months or so and I am so in love with it. Its a mineral formula so you know you're not adding weird chemicals that you don't know which hole where they mined them from. Apply with make up sponge or foundation brush. If I'm in a rush I tend to apply with my hands like lotion. But be very careful to blend well and wash your hands right after if you do this. You can set it with a loose powder for a matte finish or just apply foundation alone for a dewy look. A great product at an even greater price.

Nacara Cream Foundation- $20 (Walmart)

Nacara is a Canadian brand from Montreal that specializes in products for women of colour. Their products are great and include loose powders, lip sticks, liquid foundations.. actually they do mostly everything. It's affordable, its great stuff, I work with it all the time and you just cannot go wrong with it.

Quo Cream Eyeliner- $13 (Shoppers Drug Mart)

I love this eyeliner because you don't have to be super professional to apply it. It glides on easily, it's easy to clean up mistakes and lasts all day. I find for people who like their make up simpler or just don't have the time or the know how to play around with eye shadows and colours, a little eyeliner and mascara goes a long way into giving you a made up perfectly finished look without the energy and effort.

Maybelline Volum' Express Mascara- $9

I don't know if many of you know this but I have absolutely NOOO eyelashes. It's so sad. They are just short and stubby and scattered and urgh!! But I'm not mad anymore because I have discovered my darling Volum' Express mascara from maybelline. They weren't kidding when they said lashes and instantly 80% fuller. First time I tried it someone in my office asked me if I had applied fake lashes and wanted to go get them done herself coz they looked so natural. she had to actually rub my eyelashes to believe that it was just mascara. So go grab one. Amazing stuff and its $9.

Quo Lipgloss - $13(Shoppers DrugMart)

Another long lasting inexpensive product from Quo. I was so shocked when I tried Quo out for the first time and realized their stuff is actually A- MAE- ZING... Huwudathunk? Anyways. These lip-glosses are fabolous. High gloss and great colours (only drawback is I wish they made more colours). My favourite are Garnet and Pout. Did I mention that they smell divine?? So chocolately I just wanna eat my own lips

Annabelle pencil- $6.99

Like eyeliner? don't want to shell out $20 or more for a M.A.C pencil. Well then Annabelle is your friend. Great pencils. Soft, come a a variety of colours and my favourite thing about them? Oh so affordable.

Okay so these are a few products that I love and at these low prices I'm sure you won't be able to help loving them yourself. So goon give them a try and get back at me with your feedback.

Also keep emailing me your questions. I plan to pick a question every week and answer. Probably on a saturday.

~*StRaWbErRy KiSsEs*~

Imoteda

The Boat Ends

2009-01-05T08:05:00.001-08:00

I’m still sitting here
Thinking about the kiss
I’m trying to avoid thinking about Friday
I know if I do
I’ll realize that I ruined it
I should have gone back
Not left him waiting in the dark
Should have finished that kiss
Should have heard what he had to say
I remember Friday
I got on the boat
Waited for him
Knew the wife wasn’t around
Hoped we would talk
I really needed the talk
The door opened
And closed
And then opened
And Closed
I knew he didn’t come in
I know his smell
I do
The boat left
He didn’t come
He didn’t come
I know why
Ofcourse I know why
He hates himself
Almost as much as I hate me
But unlike me
He was strong enough o stay away
I couldn’t do that
A text
Sorry I couldn’t give you a ride to the boat today, I decided to drive to work
How come you drove
Need a car in the evening
Don’t have one on the island
Such a bullshit excuse
Tell me you couldn’t face me
Tell me you want me

Why can’t I stop
I won’t reply anymore
I sit on the boat
Miserable
Go to work
Miserable
Get back on the boat
Miserable
Get home
Miserable

I want to cry
I want to scream
Break something
I just want him
My phone vibrates
I relax
Its him
I know it is

At the median hotel
Room 234
Wanna meet me?
Ofcourse I want to meet him
There is no hiding
No games
No coyness
Just him and me
Yes
See you in ten
I don’t change
Don’t look in the mirror
Just run to him

This is me
Just how I am
And I know this is what he wants
Just me
No make up
No fancy clothes
Jeans and a tshirt me
Hair in a pony tail me
Just me me

I walk up to the room
Open the door
Ofcourse its open
He is standing there
Looking at the door
Waiting for me
I virtually fly into his arms
He feels so good to me
His lips… are my lips
Mine to kiss
To feel
His arms… are my arms
His chest… is my chest
I am all over him
And he is all over me
He carries me to the couch
We sit
Holding each other
The sun goes down outside
We are still sitting
Whispering
Its like a first date
Its like we’ve been married for twelve years
Its like perfection in a jar
We won’t rush things
Its not physical
Its not spiritual
Its just him and me
And it is perfect

We’ve run out of words
Now its only action left
I lean close to him
Pull his head towards me
I’m taking my time
Teasing him with my lips
Leaning close but not close enough
Pulling away laughing
Doing it again
We are both laughing
I’ve never had this much fun being silly

He picks me up
I wrap my legs around his waist
We’re kissing

The door creaks
The door I didn’t lock because
NO ONE
Would dare intrude on him and me
NO ONE
Would dare ruin my perfect night
Daddy
I followed your car
I waited downstairs for you
I saw her running in here

Daddy mummy loves you
I love you too
My sisters love you
Please daddy
Come home

I can’t breathe
I want to scream
This 13 year old
BITCH
How dare she
How dare she
She’s ruining it
I want to
HURT HER

And just like that
Its over
There was nothing
We weren’t star-crossed lovers
This was no Romeo and Juliet
No Tristan and Isolde
We weren’t even David and Bathsheba
There was no mysterious connection holding us to each other

Just two stupid adults
Trying to run away from responsible

I am so ashamed
It took this 13 year old
Who knows nothing
To make me realize

I slip out
Don’t wait to hear what he has to say
I know I will never take the boat again
Same as I know I will never see him again
And in truth
I don’t want to do either

The Boat- The weekend

2009-01-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

Its sunday
I survived
I'm aching
I need to see him
I've re-lived the feel of his lips
I wish we took the boat
On the
Weekend
But we don't
I can't wait
Till
Tomorrow
Morning
I will
See him
On
The Boat

the Boat Day 2- The Meeting

2008-11-21T04:31:00.002-08:00

I changed
I couldn’t help myself
Needed to look better
Black t-shirt
Multicolored hoodie
Too hot for the weather
But my boobs looked great
Put in my ear plugs
Went to the meeting
He knew when I came behind him
He tensed
I saw it
Didn’t look around
I sat across from him
He glanced my way
Paused
Looked away
All through the meeting
Catch his eye
Look away
Look up
He looks away
Back and forth
It’s still there
I know it is
He still wants me

Meeting’s over
I can’t decide
Should I stay
Or go
He goes over to a group
Fine
He doesn’t want to talk
I leave
Walking down the pathway
In the park
Stupid lights
Never work in
Here
A hand on mine
Grabbing
Frantic
I’m not worried
I smile
I know it’s him
Oh he wants me
I say nothing
Take out the music
Let him talk if he must
I’m tired already
Heading home
Where else
You’re mad at me
Why would I be
I don’t even know you
No you don’t
I’m married
Yes you are
I think you’re interesting
So are sharks… go swim with some
Why so rude
I don’t want to want you
You think I do

Mind freeze

You
You want
Me
Yes I want you
I see you every morning
Every evening
I’ve seen more beautiful women
But I don’t think about them
I see my wife and I think about
You
I thought to myself
If this were ten years ago

Then I’d be 12 and you be a pedophile

He laughs
Such a beautiful laugh
I can’t help but smile
It’s difficult for him
Just as its difficult for me
I open my mouth to tell him I
Understand
The feeling will pass
We don’t have to do anything
He leans forward
I can’t breathe
His lips are on mine
They are surprisingly soft yet
Firm
I can’t help myself
I;’m lost
I want more
I clutch his shoulders
I have to stand on tip toe to reach
He’s so tall
He’s pressing himself against me
Chest to chest
Stomach to stomach
Hips to hips
Oh he wants me
He doesn’t have to say it
I feel it
The kiss softens
I can’t take it
There are tears
I don’t know whose
I want him
I want more than this
I break the kiss
Lean in for more
Break it again
Lean in for more
One more time
Just for luck

Step back
The tears are mine
Take another step back
He’s staring at me
I’m staring at him
What now
What now I echo
I can’t do this to her
I don’t want you to
But I want you
But I want you
Maybe
Maybe not

I turn
Run off into the darkness
I don’t want to hear what he has to say
I know he’s telling me to wait
I stop
Turn around
I can barely make him out
It’s too dark
But I know he’s there
Waiting for me
How long will he wait

The Boat Day 2- Evening

2008-11-21T04:31:00.001-08:00

Evening
Time to go back
So excited
So So So
Excited
See You tonight
He said See You Tonight
I look good
I know I look good
I changed clothes
I look
Slimmer
Taller
Make up is subtle
Lips are pouty
Not red
Pink
A soft subtle pink
I can’t sit still on the way to
His stop
What if
He doesn’t come
He changes his mind
What if
His wife decided to come back
Oh gosh
I’m such an idiot
He was just being polite
Obviously
That whole conversation
He was just being friendly
The door opens
I won’t look back
I’m close to tears
I hear someone sit behind me
BEHIND ME
Not beside me
I’m such an idiot
I know it’s him
The door closes
We’re off
He hasn’t said anything
I’m on my laptop
Chatting
Pretending to be busy
He leans forward
I know he does
I’m watching him out the corner of my eye
I smell his perfume
I want to wrap myself in him
Crawl into him and never come out
Hi
Hi
What are you doing
Chatting
With who
Just a few friends
How was your day

What is this
What is this impersonal conversation
Where’s the fun
The flirtiness we shared
More impersonal conversation
Questions about software
I don’t want software
Come one
Please give me a sign that
It wasn’t all in my head
We’re at our stop
I can’t move
He looks at me
Gets off the boat
I’m frozen in pain
I have to get off
Everyone is gone now
He there
Waiting
Why is he waiting
Can’t he see that I’m hurting
Where’s your ride
He’s not here yet
I’ll take you
It’s dangerous here
A nice older man
Being helpful to a young girl
No intimacy
I nearly say no
But I don’t want to be stuck here
My house
Will you be at the meeting tonight
Yes
See you there
See you
That’s it???
That’s it??????
I thought
There
Were
Signs
He
Wanted
Me
No more

Sex is way over-exaggerated

2008-11-19T00:43:00.001-08:00

Sex is truly overrated.
Its stupid really
People put so much emphasis on it.
Focus on it. Chasing it all over the place. Run away from it.
Calling those who do it names. Ho, slut, player
Calling those who don’t do it names. Prude, stiff, wimp
But the damn thing only lasts about an hour at most… barring porn stars and idiot girls who don’t like walking.
Most women don’t orgasm so why bother?
And then really half the time people are slinking off feeling like shite afterwards
Oh gosh I slept with him? What shud I do? Blah blah blah. Like I’m supposed to know

I mean I can understand it for men
A nut is a nut. Forgive my vulgarity. I occasionally forget I’m supposed to be a lady
So they can have sex. Its whatever. They come, they cum, they bounce. Understandable
And some of the smarter ladies. They’ve perfected the art of making themselves cum even if the man sucks. They are looking for exactly the same thing the man is looking for. Some release. Call it their form of yoga.
Smart ladies. Leave emotion out of the bed or the floor, or the kitchen stove or wherever
But those other Ladies
Why do those other ladies do it?
I don’t think its about the sex
I really don’t
I think its for the feeling of being part of a us
For the 10 15 45 minutes that ure together somebody wants u
U get to feel loved and needed
Even if in the back of ur mind uknow its just a quick fuck
Once again I forget to be a lady
Oh wells
I personally think its pathetic
But that’s just me I guess
Not to say I haven’t fallen victim to the need to be held once before
Maybe more
Who knows
I have perfected the act of ignoring my feelings emotions and all of that good stuff
Oh wells
I just had that random thought tonight

Sex is way over exaggerated
That’s all Im saying
On that note
Goodnight

The subway

2008-11-19T00:42:00.001-08:00

Doors open
Rush out
Rush in
Doors Close

In the corner
The inter-racial couple
In the morning black girl white guy
In the evening Asian girl black guy
Take pictures
Steal a kiss
Whisper whisper
Giggle giggle

Random girl
Whips out mirror
Adds more lip gloss
Fluffs hair
Bags at her feet
On the way to her boyfriend’s for the night
Needs to look her best

Guy with spiky hair
Mp3 player in hand
Listening to music
Head down
Scuffed shoes
Jacket hangs loose
Dead end job
Not the shoes
Or the jacket
Just the defeated look on his face

In the middle
Girl with locks
Businessman on the way to parking
Mother and teenage son
Grocery bags in hand
Tall construction worker
Random teens on the way back home from school
All listening
Sometimes nodding in agreement
Sometimes moving their lips
But not listening to each other
Never to each other
To the rubber buds whispering sweet nothings in their ears

In the other corner
Lone girl
Silent and watchful
All alone in the train
Watching all the people around
No one notices
They don’t notice the person that bumps into them
They don’t notice the girl who just broke up with her boyfriend
Staring out the door
The strain around her eyes from holding back the tears

She looks round
From her corner where she goes unnoticed
All these faces she sees everyday
Always the same faces
Its just the people that change

Doors Open
Rush Out
Rush In

She stands
And waits
Soon enough all she can hear is her own measured breathing
And the far of sound of an approaching train
Whose contents she already knows
She smiles
She is alone
Just like she’s been all day

Enjoys it for a minute
Turns up her collar
Rushes outside to meet the same faces
Groundhogs day
Only the cast has been changed

Doors close

Understand my pain

2008-11-19T00:41:00.002-08:00

She was eight
She was fun
She was a happy kid
One day her cousin brought home his friend
See his friend he was fun
His friend he used to bring her gum
One day his friend brought her something more
He brought her a little piece of him
And that day he stopped being fun
That day and the days after were no fun
See he brought with him pain
And the first time she cried
But he said it was ok
It was supposed to feel this way
Whispered this to her while he was taking everything that should have been hers to give
Whispered it while he took his pleasure and gave her none
Whispered it while he washed the traces of him off her and put her back in her bed
Whispered it when he checked on her the next morning to make sure no one would notice any bruising
Whispered it at least twice a week for the next two months
Till he won the lottery and left the country

No one listened
No one looked
No one noticed that she lost a little bit of her
No one saw that she stole a knife from the top drawer beside the stove and hid it under her bed
No one knew that every night she swore that if he came back she would use it
No one knew that while she cried in silence she thought of that knife and how she could never bring herself to reach for it
No one heard her confusion
She couldn’t tell anyone because she knew she shouldn’t
But she didn’t think it was right
No one saw that she wouldn’t draw
No one questioned that she started failing art
Her favorite subject
No one knew she knew she had been bad so she needed to punish herself

She was nine
It was de javu
But de javu isn’t always de javu
No
This time there were breasts involved
This time she couldn’t bear to remember it
She blocked her memories
She remembers crawling to the bathroom later
All she could remember was her coming in
“Wasn’t I good to you? Why’d you run away?”
She smiled and nodded, refusing to look up into the face that she thought would always protect her

She was 17
She had just left her first love
Except he wasn’t her first love anymore
She had to sit there and watch him kiss the new love
And hear the new love talk about her “metaphorical”
So she left
And she got reckless
And she drank her misery away
But with the old misery came new misery
The girls wanted to go party
She came out last
So it was just her and her new friend in the second car
He drove out on the highway and before long she was lost
When he pulled up beside the bushes she didn’t even think
When she saw the knife
The knife she couldn’t use when she was eight
Or when she was nine
He wanted her and he took what he wanted
Leading her deep into the bushes
Cutting a little with the knife she couldn’t use when she slowed
Taking more of her that should have been hers to give
Taking and taking
She didn’t cry
She didn’t beg
She knew from experience it wouldn’t work
He took all he wanted and then he left
He probably didn’t know he had taken the last of it

She had nothing left
So she didn’t care
She knew others would try to get what she didn’t have
So she gave it before they forced her
She sensed the disappointment
From on top
From behind
From the side
As they searched for more to take and found none

But she, she’s lucky
She has no disappointments
She has no regrets
She has nothing
For she is empty
Others think it’s sad
She just thinks she’s lucky

The Boat- Day 2

2008-11-19T00:41:00.001-08:00

Hair in a messy ponytail
First clothes found thrown on
Today I decided I don’t
Care
Don’t want to care
He’s married
A
Wife
He doesn’t even see me
Sure I tell myself he does
But I know he
Doesn’t
Sit in the back of the boat
Don’t look back
I know it’s him
I wait for him to walk past me
To sit in front like he usually does
For her to join him
Maybe even bring the brats
Rub his ball and chain in my face
I still wait for him to walk past
He’s hesitating
I feel someone sit beside me
Turn to look out the window
Don’t want to make false conversation with another
Random
Still waiting for him to walk past
Imagining he is fiddling with his bags
Or waiting for the wife
Bitch
I hate her
Don’t know her but I hate her
With her stupid dreds
I wanted dreds
She got there first
Now I refuse to have them
Hi
I can’t breathe
I know his voice
Would recognize it in the stock exchange
I turn
He sat!
He sat beside me!
He noticed me!
Me!
I don’t say anything
Can’t say anything
I wait for the wife to ask
Why aren’t you moving to the front?
Why you with her when she wants you?
Don’t you see she wants you?
Can’t he see how much I want him?
Why is he beside me?
The door doesn’t
Open
The boat is moving
She’s not here
She’s not coming
Me and him for a whole thirty five minutes
Just me and him
He is watching me
Waiting for an answer
Possibly wondering if he made a mistake
I’m hallucinating
Its not happening
I just want it to
I decide to enjoy this
Hallucination
Hi
We’re talking
Laughing
He touches my shoulder
I nudge his knee with mine
We pretending its coz we’re laughing
So hard
But we need to contact
His hand falls
Palm up
On the seat
I place my hand in it
I know it was an invitation
Ten minutes to go
He holds on to my hand
Looks at me
I look at him
He feels it
I don’t ask about the wife
He doesn’t mention them
We won’t let them spoil this moment
I want this married man
And this married man wants me
His stop
He gets up
Looks at me
See you tonight
See you tonight
He leaves
I smile
He noticed

The boat

2008-11-19T00:40:00.001-08:00

It’s the end of the day
I walk over to the full length mirror
Adjust my hair
Take out my brush powder my face
More lip gloss, less lip gloss
Don’t want to look like I’m trying too
Hard
Normally I don’t
Care
But today I do
Adjust my clothes
Pull my shirt
Down
Because I’m hoping
He will
Notice
Put on my sunglasses
I want to watch
Without him knowing I’m watching
Get on the boat and smile
Big smile
Ok not too big
K that better
He’s sitting there
He smiles and quickly looks down
He’s shy
I know he is
He wants to say something to me
I know he does
He turns around to speak to the person sitting behind him
And excuse
To turn around and look at me
I’m looking at him
Willing him to walk over
Smile
Hi I’m James
Hi I’m Imoteda
I’ve noticed you
I’ve noticed you too
Want to do dinner sometime
I’d love to do dinner sometime
Sits beside me
Holds my hand
It’s the beginning of a fairytale

Of course he can’t see all these things I’m willing
Because my sunglasses are still on
I want to say something
Be smart
Be witty
Draw his attention
But most of all
I want the door to stay shut
That sliding door at the back of the boat
That I wish they locked as soon as he walked in
So it would be just him and me
I don’t care about anyone else who might be sitting here
Its always just me and him when the door stays shut
But of course it never does for long
I hear it open
But I refuse to turn round
I will not smile
I don’t want this new attention
Hey honey
Hey baby
Kiss on the cheek
Now he turns around
He smiling
I think it’s a little sad
I think it’s a little lost
I think he’s feeling the way I’m feeling
It’s the wrong person who sits beside
He should not be smiling at his wife
He should be smiling at me

My perfection

2008-09-30T18:50:00.002-07:00

You are my perfection
Every kiss and every smile
Every look and every time
We touch
Perfection

Every word and every line
you speak
Touches me and holds me
enthralled
Every fight and every war
Makes me want more

See I don't know how to explain this
feeling
deep inside of me
and i sit here and find no words
stare andme keyboard and it becomes your hands
i love to hold your hands
Did i ever tell you...
you have the greatest hands?
And smile
and kiss?
Did i ever tell you how shaky i get when I know ure near
and sometimes even when i dont
Did i ever tell you how much I want to bury my head in your neck?

I didn't?

Well I am now... maybe too late but I am

I am telling you how I love to sit with you
How I love the feel of you next to me
How i love your bushy eyebrows
your crooked smile
how i love your hair right after a hair cut
Just fresh from the barber
no deep rolling waves
just smooth and clean like it should be
how i love your arms
nothin ever felt better to hold on too

You really are hairy.... not disgustly so
Just hairy... like a man should be
Everyone thinks you're such a great dancer
im not sure i think you can dance at all
but i still love watching you dance
i love all the ways you made me feel special
and i hated it when you didnt

I wish i could explain better
how much I love you
But i cant because everytime

i try
to talk to you i get tongue tied

I become a nag, a shrew a bitch

I want to be special and loving and giving and caring
and supportive.
I want to be beautiful and perfect and taller and stronger
I want to be smart and witty and funny
I want to be one of the guys and your girl
I want to be you comfort your shelter and your bravery

I want to be all this for you
all that I will never be and all i could ever be

I want so much to BE for you

but

You are my perfection

I've been your night stand
I've been your one night stand

but you will always be....

My Eternity Stand

(maybe my one life stand?)

How high?

2008-09-30T18:50:00.001-07:00

Yes massa
No massa
how high you think i should jump huh massa?

Stay massa
please massa
bless me with more of your sun massa

hmmm massa
ahhhh massa
i have no thought but your own massa

here massa
there massa
i'll run around for your love massa

true massa
false massa
you're so smart, you know it all massa

Ouch massa
It's fine massa
mine may be broke but yours is whole massa

ofcourse massa
why not massa
I give up my dreams to live your own massa

more massa
faster massa
enslave my body as well as my heart massa

now massa
OH massa
at this you rule too its the truth massa

excuse me massa
but please massa
does the equation not seem wrong massa

my mind massa
my body massa
you should be sharing not commanding massa

my thoughts massa
my lips massa
you should cherise not walk over massa

no more massa
not me massa
i cannot take it anymore massa

bye bye massa
so long massa
find another to hold behind massa

I'm not pregnant... It could be you

2008-09-30T18:48:00.001-07:00

But I hope to be again one day. Its funny how I always thought I'd never want kids. Actually I always thought a lot of things that I just shouldn't have bothered thinking about.
I always thought I'd never be a statistic. You know, maybe a good one like one of many black women who graduated university with honours and held down a good career and a family like it was nothing.
Never thought I'd be another one of those women who had put the baby before the degree, before the marriage. Never thought I'd be one of those women who had two baby daddies. Because lets face thats what its gonna be. If and when i do get married and have more kids I wil have kids from two different men.
Its not the end of the world but its a pretty depressing realization. Not just coz it looks bad (though thats definitely part of it) but because that is the last thing I would ever have wanted for myself or my kids. Figuring out where one child would spend holidays. Trying to be a member of two different families.
"This is my daddy but my real daddy lives in (insert random location here)"
"My last name is (insert) but the rest of my family's last name is (insert)"

Its just weird to think about.

Its funny how i always laughed at people who got pregnant in school or got into weird situations. Can you spell karma?
People don't go out of their way to make themselves into statistics. Bad luck, bad circumstances and possibly huge amounts of stupidity (at least in my case) make them like that.

No one wants the complexities of the situation that I will probably have to deal with.
No one wants to be a family thats not really a family.
Having a child with a man who has another woman while you have another man.
its strange. its awkward its uncomfortable and no matter how well you play it out that child is gonna be affected somehow.
Just something I should have thought of before I let common sense fly along with the clothes I guess.

Its not that i regret anything. i don't. I just wish things could have been different you know.
Oh wells.

Guess what I'm saying is things are all well and good when you're having fun but sooner or later you're gonna have to deal with consequences. And its never just you. Your family, your loved ones, friends and most importantly children are gonna have to deal with that too.

So think before you act. Lesson I should have learnt earlier. Still not sure I've learnt it right coz I still do some stupid ish. But I'm trying.

So next time you're laughing at some woman who has two, three, four baby daddies please have some compassion. You may not know the situation. It could easily be me.

Even more...

it could be you

Four Seasons Of Loneliness

2008-09-09T20:40:00.001-07:00

In comes the winter breeze
That chills the air and drifts the snow
And I imagine kissing you under the mistletoe

Chills
one look from you
chills
Goose-bumps
drawing a map
of wear your fingers traced my skin
your heat
melted me
burned me
hotfast
furious
more
more
no please no

They say summer is for lovers
for us...it was winter
stole time
Kept each other warm
closer than close
as close as a man and a woman could get
in the winter i knew you
every bit of you
I knew your kiss
on my lips
my fingers
my ears
my back
my chest
my everywhere
oh yes
in the winter i know your kiss
I knew you

When springtime makes it’s way here
Lilac blooms reminds me of the scent of your perfume

sweat
you
me
us
i knew your smell
you could walk into a room and i would smell you
long before i saw you
i loved your smell
strong
it overpowered me
it was you
no matter what perfume you wore
i knew your smell
buried my face in your neck
and inhaled
flooded my senses
i was addicted
as much to your smell as i was to you
your smell after a shower
your smell after our winter
i was addicted to your smell

When summer burns with heat
I always get the hots for you
Go skinny dippin’ in the ocean where we used to do

first few kisses
i remember the first
the moment you stole my body
like you had stolen my heart
i remember the third
in the pool
i drowned
not in the water
your arms wouldn't have let it
but in you
i drowned in you
in everything that was you
in your smile
in your heat
in your smell
i drowned in my love
my love
for you

When autumn sheds the leaves the trees are bare
When you’re not here it doesn’t feel the same

i thought i would fix it
take us back to winter
back to spring
back to summer
back to the heat
back to the smells
back to the drowning
but you weren't there
even when you were
you weren't
you weren't you
and i wasn't me
not anymore
but i thought
thought i could fix it
wanted to fix it
left the other
to fix it
but you left
and i was bare
bared myself to you
but you left
my arms were bare
when you left

When autumn sheds the leaves the trees are bare
When you’re not here it doesn’t feel the same

bare
bare
bare
empty
empty

Just Another case of he said she said

2008-07-04T18:22:00.000-07:00

He Said:

Hey there lil miss
I like how you looking
I like that you thick and no one of them skinny model types
I like that you walking trying to keep fit
I'd like if you tell me your name and maybe we can kick it from there

She Said:

Hey there young fella
I like that you ain't shallow
Not worried bout my in my gym gear
I like that you step up with respect
I'll tell me your name and if you tell me yours we can go sit over there and get to know each other

He Said:

My name is J

She Said:

My name is I

They sat and they talked for a little bit.. but it was late and she had to go

He Said:

I like how you speak and the way that you think
I like that your educated and you're strong
I like that you make me wanna be a better person
I'm gonna try and finish that degree
I'm gonna hope that you push me to become a Man and not a nigger or a negro

She Said:

I like that you're driven and want to grow
I like that you are not threatened by my knowledge and love me for it
I like that you're honest and work hard
I'm gonna hope you're serious and quit stnading on the corner
I'm gonna hope to find no more dime bags in your bags
I'm not gonna push you but I'll support you and be there

She Said:

Baby where have you been?
I called and called and got no one but your answering machine

He Said:

Baby please understand.
I was at my boys. I fell asleep and when I woke up it had happened
I don't know what's gonna happen but I want you to know I care

She Said:

baby what happened?
What happened while you were sleeping?

He Said:

I can't tell you baby. Don't want you to get into no trouble coz of me.
I'll call you when I can

"The person you are calling is not available at the moment. Please try again later"

He Said:

Baby can I come and stay there.
I lost my cell phone I knew you'd be calling.
I know you always told me you;d laugh in my face if I went to jail.
Where you serious?
If I tell you I gotta go will you go HA! and hang up on me.
You gotta tell me now lil mama

She Said:

Daddy I don't know
I got my baby and I gotta take care of me
But you can stay here. I won't laugh in your face
You're my man and I'll try as hard as I can

He Said:

I love you baby.
I'll be there shortly

She Said:

Be careful sweetie. i love you. See you soon.

Two weeks went by and she heard nothing from her baby.
He was trying to be a better man.
Maybe he tried too late.
Or maybe trying was what made him disappear.

She's sure she'll never know.

Just Another Angry Black Baby Mama

2008-05-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

He said to me:"You're just another angry black baby mama. Open your eyes and see that there are other things to be sad about. You just make sure you have no reason to be joyful or happy or pleased. You enjoy living in your misery and when a good man like me comes around you push me away because you're afraid to be fulfilled. Go on and be bitter."

Excuse me?!
I'm sorry come again. I must have heard wrong.

Listen here Mr. Good man.

Let me tell you a little something about something

let me tell you about happy...
Happy is what i was when i held my daughter for the first
Happy is what I am when she smiles at me
Happy is what i am when i wake up early in the morning and head off to class knowing everyday I'm a day closer to making life better for me and my baby girl
Happy is wat I am when I'm spending time with my friends and my family
Happy is what I am when I am working and doing what I love

Let me tell you about joy
Joy is discovring your child has grown a new tooth
it is knowing she has learnt how to walk and is doing so every chance she gets
it is studyign soemthing you love and knowing you are good at it
it is talking and laughing with my firneds over nothing
it is knowing i have a wonderful family who cares for me

Let me tell you about pride
Pride is wat I have in me
it is what keeps me going when all expect me to fail
it is what i feel when I look at my baby's face
it is what keeps my back straight and my eyes focused
it is what prevents me from breaking down in times of financial stress
it is what keeps me struggling to be the best

Now let me tell you about sad
Sad is what I am when I know to be happy my duaghter needs to be with my mum till i can provide
sad is what i was when i dragged my pregnant self to all my doctors appointments alone
sad is what i was when i discovered that the man i thought was my knight in shining armour was nothing but a lowly king's jester
sad is what i was when all the promises turned to dust
sad is what I am when i realise that I'm bound to be alone for a huge part of my life

Let me tell you about bitter
Bitter is what I am when i see the man who got me pregnant go round to ruin another's life
when i realise that I made a terrible mistake my daughter will suffer for
when i realise that she will spend all her life struggling for acceptance from a man who abandoned her lon before she was born
when i realize that though i will be beside her every step of the way she will long for the one she doesn't have

Now let me tell you about ANGER

I AM ANGRY!!!
when stupid black men like you come to me with your negativity and your click talk
when you step up with your false promises and your flashy jewelry
when you ignore the beauty within and focus on the ass
when you know nothing about me but in five minutes you think you can decide that you know all there is about me

Let me tell you something Mr. good Man

I am a strong, beautiful, courageous, proud, happy, well adjusted and positive person.
I love with all my heart and smile with my soul
I sing with spirit and walk on dancing feet
I care so much about so many people and I have refused to be broken by smart talking men like you.

I am a wonderful person... a truly magnificent person.
And I can say it because I know i am. Its not being boastful or overly proud. Its accepting me for who i am.

But you will never see it. You will never meet tis part of me.
With your assumptions and your negativity. Putting me in a box. Expecting me to be grateful for what?
That you picked yourself up from across the room and walked over to me expecting to get laid tonight?
That because i refused you you decided you'd earned the right to get nasty with me?

Yes, I am "Just another angry black baby mama" ... because until you stop being "Just another ignorant black man" you will never see the beauty in me.

Fix-It

2008-05-11T20:23:00.001-07:00

One Night I looked out my window and saw an angel
He was sitting across the table
No he was outside my window
He had a broken wing and a "fix-it" smile
He was beautiful and he was perfect
But I had to make him perfecter

So I took him in and I mended his broken wing
I taped him up piece by piece and returned every fallen feather
And he looked at me and smiled his "fix-it" smile
And he whispered to me
"I will always be with you"

And we lived
And everytime he broke something I fixed it
And he smiled his "fix-it" smile and whispered
"I will always be with you"

And one day i woke up
And grabbed my kit and got ready to fix anything he broke today
And i searched for him
and he was gone
But I thought i still heard him whisper
"I will always be with you"

And more angels came and went
And none of them whispered to me
And I grew sad
And i grew angry
And I grew bitter
And I grew lonely

And for years and years and years and years
I was broken
So broken
but I didn't realise it
Until one day I looked up
And there was my angel
And he was perfect
with his "fix-it" smile
But it was sad this time

"You promised! you would always be with me! How could you leave"

And he held up a mirror
And I saw me for the first time since he left
And i was broken
Every hurt, every pain, every scar that I had fixed for him
I now wore

And he looked at me with tears in his eyes
"You fixed me everytime. I thought you understood. Why didn't you fix you?

Home Alone

2008-05-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still wondering how I got here.
I really just don't get how things could have gone so wrong from a year ago.
I'm not even close to who I thought I would be.

But I guess in some ways Im better
Smarter. Stronger even.
In Some ways not

But I gotta keep believing.
Everything happens for the better.

Im still young, still have plenty of years to see how things play out.
I have faith that things can only get better

My One Man Pregnancy Circus

2008-04-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

"Pregnancy Is Like A Circus"

My circus was kinda empty. I guess no one bought tickets to the show.

So what brought on this random thought? Juno. Stupid movie that reminds me so much of me. K so I'm watching the movie right now and I'm blogging and not watching coz I am officially depressed. Oh whoa!!! Weird!!! She is like so totally dancing with the guy who is supposed to be adopting her child. So Weird.

Anyways...
Did you know I went to every single ultrasound alone. Sad huh? Every doctors appointment, every blood test, every shopping trip. I did my baby registry for my shower alone.

Morning sickness every day for a month and a half. Walked to the bathroom and sat beside the toilet after I woke up and held my own hair off my own face.

One night my baby kick for the first time. A strong hard kick.I was in bed lying on my back and she kicked. It was like midnight or something and for some reason, some strange reflex, I turned to my side and started to talk to some imagined person who would be lying next to me like he belonged there. Of course there was no one but Boo, Penguin, Droopy Dog and the rest of my nameless favorite teddys there. So what did I do? I got up and walked tot he mirror and I smiled at myself and i said "Guess what baby?! She Kicked!" and then I went back to bed and hugged my baby bump and slept. Just like that.

Yup... a real one man circus. Played all the parts myself for eight good months.

Sciatica.. really painful hip condition pregnant women can develop. And being a lazy pregnant woman I developed it. Go figure. In my study got up to walk to the bathroom. Pain. Like Blinding Searing pain and obviously I fell. Obviously I was living alone and obviously both my cell phone and house phone would be lying on my bed in the other room and obviously I couldn't move because the pain was too much. And obviously I would scream but hey its the middle of the day. Neighbors are at work, school or wherever none pregnant people go during the day. I pulled my computer cord so my laptop would fall hopefully somewhere close to me and thankfully it did. Got on msn and messaged everybody I saw online that I thought would give a damn. Put it as my msn name even. Fell cant get up please call 911 or my friend who lived in the building across from me. Some people did. God bless you all. But then Obviously my door was locked. Had to drag my pregnant self across the floor. Crying all the way and then I couldn't reach the lock obviously I was lying on the floor. So I lay there and I cried. I could hear my friends on the other side of the door calling out to me and I was lying on the floor in front of the door crying because I was in pain, and I had dragged myself there in pain and now I couldn't reach the stupid lock because I was in pain. Eventually I reached it. My sense of self-preservation is amazing. Paramedics came and blah blah blah.

Possibly the worst day of my pregnancy.

But my mum came when I was nine months preggie:). And she stayed through to the tenth month. And she was with me through my false alarms. And when I went into labour. And when I was cursing people for telling me how painful delivery was but forgetting to mention that the contractions were worse. And she was there when my water broke. And she was there when I pushed and screamed. And she made my delivery videos. And made sure they cleaned my baby well. And she was there when I held my baby for the first time. And she was there. Thank you mummy.

Oh wells. I was watching Juno and I thought about it and I realised. I had a one man pregnancy circus. And...

My Circus was kinda empty. I guess no one bought tickets to the show.

I'm sorry

2008-04-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

I have friends
I have special friends. Friends who mean the world to me. They irritate the hell out of me but I still love them so much. They are there for me when I need them. I moved to a new city, my friends let me with at theirs till i found a place. I needed a drink in the middle of the afternoon my friend skipped class to watch me have my drink. I needed to go to the club my friend went with me and shook her behind all night long even though she didn't want to be there. I needed a baby sitter my friend baby sat for me.
So yes I have friends. Wonderful friends

My friends are happy. They do well in school, they get good jobs, they party and drink and dress and feel fabulous.
My friends are sad their relationships fail, their parents separate, their men beat them, their girlfriends walk, they fall down a set of stairs and break their wrists.

See when they are happy I couldn't care less. Im happy that they are happy and that all that matters. what ever makes them happy is their business. As long as its not self-destructive and they are happy then Im happy. Because I know they would be happy for me too.

But when they are sad, that kills me. When they are sad, Im sad.

See have u ever watched someone die. Not physically or literally, but metaphorically. Have u ever felt like you were watching the life being sucked out of someone? I've been there, the silent observer. Watching m friends sink more and more and more into this big black bottomless pit of woes. Ive watched and on occasionally Ive watched their spirits die and then their bodies followed. I was scared but still I watched. Why? Because there was nothing I could do but watch.
You can't just wave ur hands and make it better. Sometimes i sit and think... there must be a word, a phrase, a sentence, a paragraph that I could say right now that would make it better. That would make him smile, that would make her listen. I think there must be something I could say or do that would make it just ok in that one moment. But i still haven't found it. I never find it. And every time I see one of my friends begin to descend into that big black bottomless pit of woes I hope that it wont be one of those times that they wont come out.

I never know what to say so I listen. Its all I do... I listen.. I can't help it, I have no words to say.
"I feel your pain?"... No I don't even if we've gone through the same circumstances people hurt differently and I know this. So I know I don't feel your pain.
"it'll get better?"... I don't know that it will. I don't know tomorrow. And how many times have I said that and it didn't get better?

So i listen... occasionally remind my friends that I am their friend too.
And I am. And I hurt for you and I want you to be ok because you are my friend and I love you.

And I am sorry that I haven't found the right words. I am so sorry because I know you're hurting and I can't just make you feel better.
I am so sorry that I can't take your pain away.
And I am s sorry that by writing this I am probably making the pain worse.

And I am here for you. Day in, day out. Night come, night go.
I am here
Just waiting to listen.
Waiting to be your friend

Imoteda

Bonus End of Year Post!!! Be appreciative. LOL

I cannot support gay clubs in Catholic Schools

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil....

ABSU GAng Rape Victim

Sped datng

Jesus Take The Wheel

Ehn hen. What are you looking at?

Here.. Have some sauteed frog legs

I am Not a Proud Nigerian

Child Support Drama

Ten Things I *HEART*

Club 99

My week in a Mental Institution

I am not what I 'Hair"

"The fact that I said I would always love you doesn't mean that I have to"

In My happy Place :)

I can't forgive nor forget...

Updates... And pictures

Apparently "I aint shit"

I Like Shoes

Martin Luther King

New term, New Shoes, New Outlook, New hair? New MAN??!!!

ITs A New Year

Relationships Are Like Shoe Shopping...

Naliya

Now that I'm Back...

So I'm back...

Black People Listen Up

Adieu, Adieu... Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

My Birthday Wishlist....

The world keeps turning babe...

Armour

Because I Adore Men...

F*** This

Housatlantavegas

Guess that's why you're supposed to look before you leap...

The Email

Kiss Your Way Into My Heart

Fake it till you make it.

Quote of The Bleeping YEAR

The con

Save me

More randoms

Rabbits foot and Monsters Under the bed

Back again, Anonymous?

Break time.

Remember... Beauty hurts.

Space- The Final Frontier

Aggro is so evil... Strip club nights

Rando-37, BJ, my bi-sexuality & the gym

Testing my mobile blogging

Girls don't like nice guys

Getting Late

I'd give up chocolate but I'm no quitter...

Honey Dew Melon Kisses

Update

Confusing

Jungle Fever

Oh Lio

Think

A new dawn....

Riz ft Sauce Kid- Flex

Happier Days...

Getting Back In My Groove...

Blame it on me

My personal opinion on abortion

Comments Made On My Blog

We adore these babies...

I Am A Make Up Artist Right????

The Boat Ends

The Boat- The weekend

the Boat Day 2- The Meeting

The Boat Day 2- Evening

Sex is way over-exaggerated

The subway

Understand my pain

The Boat- Day 2

The boat

My perfection

Ten Things I HEART